[AmeriBrit]

I could absolutely write a 'wall-o-text' here in an introduction, so I will try to keep this as simplistic as possible...

I was born and raised in the USA. Lived most my adult life there, until I married a Brit (England) and moved to the UK in 2002 and have been with him since. His work has taken us to moving to Spain about 2.5 years ago, and I've been living in this same flat since we moved here which was newly built when we moved in, but since... The building is filling with the noisiest people immaginable. Worst part of it is... They all speak Spanish... and I don't know it and keep procrastinating learning it. So 'it's all noise' to me... And yes, they DO observe Siesta here!

Was setting things up and found a different area to move too last year (about this time), and was setting things in motion to do just that when during a phone call to me Mum for her birthday in August, I found out that she hadn't been feeling well lately. My oddball intuition which has never failed me, begged her to go to a doctor. My mother had rarely ever been sick a day in her life, always ate well, never once put a cigarette to her lips, and never drank... But within 2 days of this conversation with me Mum, she drove herself late at night to hospital in her pajama's and robe even, and viola... Cancer. They went to do emergency surgery on her due to 'blocked bowel', and saw it was bad, and instead of doing the typical surgery to remove and re-route the bad part of the intestine and do a colostomy, they instead put in a stent (a medical device to aid drainage, etc.) through the tumour and then started a battery of tests and scans on her. Within 24 hours, we found out that she had Stage 4, Primary Colon Cancer, metasticized to her liver, lungs and full lymphatic system. There was no treatments. There was nothing to do but 'put things in order and wait it out'... Said that any chemo or radiation treatments would only shorten her life and make the remainder of her existence 'sickly'.

Living 8000 miles away... This put me in a horrid 'place' mentally. My Mum asked me to come to the States to spend the month of October with her. I did. Leaving to come back to my husband on 2nd November was one of THE hardest things I have ever had to do.

The journey alone was taxing due to my own health...

I have lived my entire life sickly. I have many major medical problems that I am being treated for and have been for most my life, and have had 24 surgeries, 12 of which have been major surgeries... and yet it's my MUM that suddenly gets nailed with terminal cancer, and I still feel it should of been me. (I've had more than 15 tumours removed out of my person over the years... ) I rarely get to leave my building (go out of doors to the outside world) except for typical Dr. Appointments.

I've been in a VERY dark, silent, "hole" since this all started. On 16th of May, the 'dreaded call' came. I had stopped answering the phone since finding out about it, but yet, when the phone rang, and my husband got up to answer it... I instinctively shut my computer off, bowed my head in tears, and "just knew"... THIS was the call. I'm the baby of 3 children. We lost our dad to a tragic accident just shy of 20 years ago now, and my husband and I headed for the States on the next flights out that we could get, and somehow I endured just over 2 weeks of pure hell. My mother had ONE wish/demand... and that was, that me, and my 2 sibilings sorted things out after she passes TOGETHER. My sister got a U-haul and loaded up everything of value (dumping contents of drawers, etc. onto floors, etc.) and left IMMEDIATELY following the funeral. My brother, a professed Alcoholic didn't go to the funeral, and spent the majority of the time that we saw him 'drunk' or 'on a bender of sorts'... I was the ONLY one of the 3 that sorted, organized, orchestrated things, etc. along with the aide of my husband. I have no idea how I made it through that time spent in the States, but as I came back home with my husband to Spain after we did 'all we could do' to fulfill me Mum's wishes, I collapsed, and have been in a 'bad place' still. I feel that I didn't loose my Mum... I've lost my "family".

So... Here I am... All 108 pounds of me... Hi... My name is Kay.

I've been reading Steve Pavlina's site for quite a while now, and trying to get myself back 'in the world' and amongst the living. Not doing well at it I must admit. I've been a life-long journaler, but stopped doing that in paper version many years before, but have recently purchased The Journal that Steve Pavlina's site recommends, and am trying to make a new start of things with it. Which also has led me to this forum.

My appologies for the length of this first posting... But not being able to interact with real life people in the outside world, other then the bare few that I keep in contact with via the internet... There's just "too much" inside my head to stop myself at just a 'mere hello' otherwise.

So hello to all, and thank you for all the encouraging things I've been reading, and never, EVER stop yourself from asking things about me, etc.

I've lived a proverbial "life-times worth of at least 20 peoples complete lives" in just this one life time of my own... Been there, done that is a complete understatement.

Respectfully...
Kay