Remiel, that was a very helpful post. I have heard about triggers before and oh yes, do I get triggered. Funny that I hear MY Dad barking commands at me when someone tells me to do something. All the way through my upbringing I was never asked to do but I was told to do. In recent years that has really started to annoy me and there is still a lot of anger. I guess that is also the root of the problem that I have with authority or someone bossing me around.
Secondly I can totally relate to what z1freeride said: I interpret people telling me to do things as if I cannot see them myself, not capable or lazy. In especially my teenage years I was labelled lacking in initiative and lazy. Although I have gotten a bit over these labels there are still remnants that I try to fight off. Just another bit that contributes to problem number 2.
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The Cloud, its not easy to digest the things you say for number 2. I think its too theoretical or just not an approach for me. It might dawn on me later though. I like a lot what you say about "who am I" and not having to maintain being me. I can translate that to flowing (like water). Also lovely is where my problems are, in my head, past or future, not in the now. Tricky to execute but I get it
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Originally Posted by z1freeride  Does this occur with all social interactions?? |
Some times more then other times but more than I would like. I mean Im busy a lot with "what can I say now?" or "what does this person think of me?". Searching for approval?
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Are you ever yourself with close friends or family?
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Luckily I am pretty much at ease with my family. I guess it doesnt really matter what I say or do or their opinion about me because I know they are always there for me. On the other hand Im a great deal less at ease with especially two of who I consider good friends. These guys have in my opinion great social skills and have their degrees. The combination of these facts make me feel less. I continue to place them somewhere above me which isnt good for a healthy friendship. Funny to notice is that I have a good female friend who hasnt studied and I feel we are much more on the same level. Maybe I dont feel threatened by her by all the great things these guys have. I am more at ease with her, less jumpier then with the guys. I have this "smart" people syndrome pretty heavy by the way. As soon as I hear that someone is studying or has studied on a uni and has some "good" job I back away. I can literally feel a shock. Lol, now that Im so honest I feel messy and confused about how many things dont seem to be right.
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Maybe try to identify what's different between the two situations. Is there a difference?
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It becomes pretty obvious to me that I place a certain type of person above me. Maybe a lot more people than I would like to admit. "They" are better. Although Im fighting this one for a long time I guess that this how I go through life. Not pitying myself but with an attitude of feeling less than others it sure musnt be a lot of fun to live.
As always, Im hoping for your responses. Thanks so much guys!