Quote:
Originally Posted by Angela  Woweee! You got me teary, too! |
Aww, I didn't mean to make you cry!
Anyways, just for kicks, I've been thinking a little more, and I realized that the door swings both ways. I may be spending all my time proving myself, but I also can't trust the people that I'm proving myself to. So I never know when I'm good enough, because I can't trust the judges' responses. This really does cover a lot of issues that I've had in the past, with trust being added in there. Golly gee, it's everywhere! I had thought I was past all this digging, but I guess some things can still stay in the ground even if you've shoveled the dirt off the top.
For example, just right now when I read Angela's post. I opened myself up, and my expectation was that in exchange for that Angela would give me a big long passage about how to deal with my issue. Instead, I get "just" a woweee. Again, I feel as if the other end of the bargain was not fulfilled, and I am lost and alone and have to do this by myself. I am by no means demeaning your response, Angela, it was probably the best possible thing to show me how pervasive this is in my life. It highlights how I use this to reinforce the idea that I'm alone and can't trust anyone else to help me.
I can't even accept compliments, because those constitute help in the form of encouragement, help that I can't trust and can't rely on. If I get a compliment, then I always have to reciprocate it, to pay back the complimenter so that I don't owe them anything.
Well, figuring out everywhere this is tripping me up does nothing to disarm the trap, so I'm going to reflect on where to go from here.