Quote:
Originally Posted by Angela  Accepting abundance = Hurting people
Gosh, where did THAT equation come from? Is that older than the current roommate situation? |
Wow, Angela, you are amazing. You really are. You know exactly how to cut to the important issue. Yes, you're right, now that I think of it this has been a pervasive issue for me. The aversion to asking for help, that is. Help, unless offered, is a debt that has to be paid. In the case of my roommate (should I become unable to pay my half of the rent), and with my college loans, that is exactly what it is. And I can't allow myself to take risks on their money. The same thing applied to getting help for anything else. Homework, for example. I almost never asked for help with homework, usually only as a last resort from incredible frustration, because I had nothing to give in return for the person's time and effort. I don't ask for help, I make exchanges, I pull my own weight. I impose on no one.
As for where this came from, when I really think back, I get the feeling that I was on the side opposite of the debtor. "I did what you wanted, now please just love me." Those are the words that spring to mind. I don't get a sense of anything specific, just the feeling of how much it hurt not to be paid my due. Of trying and trying, and just never getting what I deserved in recompense, of never having it acknowledged that I was worthwhile. And I can't allow myself to become that, I can't be the person that does that to somebody. I am a burden. I give and I give and I give, and I don't get in return, so I must be doing something wrong, I must not be worth it. Giving doesn't work, so I won't give. But I won't accept getting without giving, so all I'm left with is not allowing myself to become a burden. "You don't want to give me anything, so I don't want your help. You keep it, I can do without you. I'm alone, and I don't need you. Take your help somewhere else, I don't want it anymore." "Don't help me, I'm not worth it." These are also words that spring to mind. "I'm alone, and I don't need you" resonates especially hard. I had tears, and I just don't get teary-eyed. Practically never. It says I can create something worthwhile by myself, something that will finally be worth paying me back for rather than just taking without payment. I don't want help, because that proves nothing. I will do it alone, and you will see that there is something worthwhile in me.
Even with this thread, I find myself searching for a way to do as much as possible without any intervention from anyone else. It's really hard to just accept your help. But I'm going to, I'm not going to dig anymore by myself and I'm going to accept your help. And I will appreciate it, even if it hurts
P.S. All of this is under the presumption that this is what you were hinting at with your reply. *It just seemed to be a big thing you've been doing lately, so I apologize if you weren't looking to get in this deep. I don't mean to presume your help
P.P.S. I think this is the thing that inspired this particular thread, this inability to accept help. I've been feeling very disconnected and alone lately, and I've been searching for a way to be more connected with mine and other's lives. I had a vague idea of what was wrong. Thank you for showing me the way, Angela.