Well I can relate to #1 and for #2 I think I can relate but from a slighlty different point of view.
I have aspergers and for the longest while I was extremely awkward in a crowd. Worse was the fact that I knew I had to think before I spoke and I actually developed a .5 second delay between what I thought to what I spoke. You might think this is a good thing but in fact it hurt me horribly. The thing is that .5 second delay REQUIRED me to think before I spoke which means I couldn't listen fully to you because I had to think of what I was going to say next. I'd frequently forget what I was saying in the middle of saying it.
This just compounded my problem even more. I eventually came to discover that the real problem was far deeper. I was afraid of other people finding out the real me. That I had aspergers and that I wasn't "normal" (whatever normal is lol). I was scared that once they found out who I was that they would reject me. I spent years building up masks to hide who I really was because of that fear. And it led me to a place very similar to yours. I couldn't talk easily to other people and when I did it was all surface, how's the weather type of talk. It wasn't till I realized that I was placing my self worth in the hands of other people that I began a journey to free myself to talk with other people. Pretty much the way I solved my problem is I placed my self-worth in the hands of God. After all if he created me who is there that is better than him to define my worth? By doing this I freed myself from the fear of rejection. If someone rejects me for being me? Thats perfectly fine and I almost expect someone to do it because of who I am. Yet by being 100% the real me I find I have deeper, more meaningful conversations with people. I can listen 100% and find value in others. I no longer worry that what I say might be "wrong". If I'm wrong then so what? My value is not based on my friends, what I do or any other fleeting type of thing. My value is permanent, unchanging and wonderful.
For the second I'll share my story in the hopes that it helps you. I used to not be able to take criticism. Actually it was so bad that even if it was just someone shared something that I could do better I would get extremely angry and heated. I would justify my actions with words and argue with others why they were wrong. When in fact I was the one who was in the wrong. I went to a seminar called focus and while I was there I learned about triggers. Triggers are things in our past that cause a reaction out of us. I've heard it called hot buttons by others before. This was the first time I had heard it tied back to an event in the past that we naturally and instinctively refered to when that button is pushed. For myself I came to realize that every time I heard criticism I heard my dad saying "Good job... BUT". This came from growing up with aspergers and my parents not learning about it until I was in my early teens. Every time I heard something I could do better I heard that "Good job... BUT". Once I realized that, recognized it and acknowledged it I began to gain freedom from it. Nowadays I just take criticism as feedback. Its just how someone else is currently seeing me. Another thing to note is that the criticism also tied into my core fear of rejection by other people. Since I put my self worth in what others thought I couldn't have them thinking negatively about me now could I?
I've heard it said elsewhere that we all have a core fear. Something that makes us extra affraid. Some of the types of fears I've heard of is fear of rejection, fear of being manipulated, fear of losing control (those are the only ones I can recall). I've noticed it to be true for myself and for a few other people who I am close to. My brother for example gets extremely heated when other people tell him what is going to happen. He blew up at me over me informing him that I was going to move his stuff if he didn't get it out of the room by the time he went on his honeymoon (he was moving it into an appartment at the time). To me this was just a basic courtesy to inform him that if the room wasn't clean I'd nicely move the rest of his stuff to the garage. To him this was me being controlling and him losing control. So to me his fear is losing control / being manipulated.
But anyhow like I said I believe we all have a core fear that we need to wrestle with.
Well I hope this helps.  |