[The Cloud]

I recently read a book called "You Just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen. It's about the different ways that males and females communicate, and it made me understand something that has bothered me for quite a while.

I'm not good at compliments. It really just isn't easy for me to say "good job" or "way to go." If I make a compliment, I have to disguise it as a joke, like a backhanded or sarcastic statement. The reason for this is perfectly summed up in a statement by Hancock (Will Smith) in "Hancock" when he's being coached by public relations expert Ray (Justin Bateman):

Ray: "There's an officer there, and he's done a good job so you might want to tell him he's done a good job."

Hancock: "What the hell would I have to tell him for, Ray, if he's done a good job?"

I don't give compliments because, from the male perspective, they are derogatory. A compliment says "You don't know how to do your job well enough to know whether or not you're doing it well, so I have to tell you." You compliment a young child who just accomplished something trivial by adult standards. You compliment somebody who is just learning something new that you are already proficient at. You don't compliment somebody who is competent and mature and self-reliant.

But, from a more female perspective, compliments are completely different. A compliment says "I'm good and you're good! We're all good together!" It emphasizes closeness between the complimenter and complimentee. It's much less about how good the compliment receiver actually is, and much more about how connected they are with the compliment giver.

The status/closeness motif is noticeable in the forums, as well. When I write, I'm trying to solve a problem. Somebody has presented me with a puzzle, and it is up to me to figure it out. Yet I so often see other people writing posts that seem to do absolutely nothing to advance the thread, and simply either relate to the problem the person is having or give them a verbal pat on the back telling them that it's all alright. I've even tried to write posts like that, posts that emphasize connection between myself and the other forum member, and I just can't do it without at least providing some smidgen of advice or opinion or something "substantial."

And yet, as far as posts that I like to read, one of my favorite kinds is the kind that tells me that what I said was great and that I'm a fantastic person. Because no matter how great or fantastic I am, it's hard to feel great or fantastic when nobody seems to care.

So my resolution is to compliment more. It's really hard, and I'm not very good at it, but I'm going to try to be more supportive and connected, rather than aloof and imperial.