(I'm just Posty McTalksalot today...
)
This post is very timely for me. I've been doing some personal retreat work lately because I feel like-- well, it's like Steve said in the article about ranking your job from 1 to 10; if it's an 8 or a 9, it's still just a 1.
That was a big "OW. Yeah...you're right" moment for me.
My whole life has blazed from about a 5 to about an 8.75 in the last two years. But as things stand right now, I think 8.75-9 is about the ceiling of where I can get if I keep on the same way I've been.
I can feel the seeds of a 10 life within me; some of them are even showing signs of sprouting. I feel pretty clear about my mission, after lots of soul searching and especially some recent revelations. I feel a very insistent sense that it's time to get up off the plateau and start living at a 10, and I only feel a *little* fearful about testing my wings.
What I'm struggling with is the medium. I've always thrived best when I had a variety of things to do, and I'm fortunate to be good at a number of things. However, I feel like I've been shallow and broad instead of narrow and deep. And don't get me wrong, I don't regret it-- I tried lots of different things, had lots of very interesting and colorful experiences, and it's allowed me to synthesize knowledge from many different sources in a way I couldn't have done otherwise. I love being a Renaissance person.
But at the same time, "jack of all trades, master of none" hits a bit painfully close to home. It's made me think about whether there's been an element of self-sabotage hiding in amongst my accomplishments, which are more noteworthy for their variety than their mastery. What I mean is, am I running myself ragged trying to do *everything* that interests me, plus keeping on top of all my responsibilities, because it makes me look really accomplished while giving me "no time" to go too far out of my comfort zone with anything?
(answer: Um, YEAH.)
So I find myself wondering, where's the balance? How do I know when I have just enough variety that my days don't feel monotonous (or that I have to give up almost everything I enjoy), yet enough focus/priority on one thing that I'm really able to test my potential?
And on the heels of that, I look at my options and I feel lost. There are several things I really love to do, where doing them would be an end and a reward in and of themselves, and I love them for different reasons. How do I choose one place to start? The one that seems most readily available and has been a more regular part of my life? The one that's built the most momentum lately? The one I've loved since childhood that I only recently re-engaged with? The one that cropped up recently as an unexplored hunger and surprised me? The one that's more of a challenge just to pursue in the first place? I honestly don't think I can say for certain which one would bring the most value to the most people, not at this point.
I know, I could just pick one out of a hat and run with it. And maybe that's as scientific as I should get. But then do I try to carve out a little space for any of the other things, or do I work on taking my energy back from the anxious feeling that maybe I should've chosen door #2, or 3, or 4 instead?
When Steve writes, do what you'd do if you were broke and living under a bridge...well...I can still think of about 5 things I'd do! (I know, you're all playing the world's tiniest violin for me...
) I'm okay in theory with doing one now and another later, but even putting the second-guessing aside, I know I'll really miss the others if I don't do them at all. I just don't want to circle back to being too scattered all over again.
Even just writing this I had a new idea for how to make that choice...but am still open to hearing others' wise words, and grateful for the ones I've already seen here!
PS (Thanks, cylon! Glad it had an effect...though as you can see I'm far from done!
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