Originally Posted by SonoranBob  I applaud you for being open to this as a valid life choice. Many people, especially women, never even consider it. Children, IMO, are highly overrated. A big investment for a very uncertain reward. People think that nurture trumps nature; 'taint so. Children can be very rewarding for the right people but they are not for everyone. The people who have the temperamental chops for it very definitely should go for it. The people who don't, shouldn't. (See the book, I'm Okay, You're a Brat for more info).
It is in my view one thing to act out romantic fantasies for yourself ... to tell yourself you want a Love for the Ages (tm), the man or woman of your dreams (tm), etc., and blunder your way through that however you wish. But with kids, there are other, innocent beings involved. You have a choice to get married or not, and it's mutual. But kids don't get a choice.
I think that too often, having children is far and away an unconscious default ... too many people do it because it's what you are "supposed" to do or just responding to a primal urge or a ticking biological clock or someone's nagging to make them into a grandparent. Kids are not sweet baby dolls for you to play house with.
There are other things to consider about having kids that most people completely don't get. For example, few things suck the romance out of a relationship like kids. They are very labor intensive and demanding and combine it with the normal daily grind of living and, well, you had best be really dedicated to get through it. I know some of you who are deeply invested in your kids will say no, they are the joy of your lives, but that is because it was a good decision for you to have them.
Personally, having kids was an unconscious default for me and had more to do with the demands of my first wife than with any real interest on my part. I got through it, and I love my kids dearly, but I regret having them in the sense that it wasn't a responsible choice for where I was in life at that time. My kids have had to overcome a rather strange childhood and they deserved better. I don't lose sleep about it; we all do the best we know how to with the light we have at any point in time. But my kids and I both paid a price, and it wasn't necessary.
Regardless of what you ultimately decide, it will be a thoughtful decision that is fully cognizant of your responsibility for the life you will be creating and nurturing -- or not. That's the main thing, and it puts you ahead of the pack.
Do what's right for you, and you'll have your needs met and you'll have an abundant overflow for things like kids. Do what convention or society or your biological clock demand and you may find yourself, and your loved ones, on the short end of the stick.
--Bob |