Most of my posts have been desperate pleas for help. However, in this one I'd like to share w/ others things that I've learned about intimate relationships. Consider this a form of journalling that maybe someone else can benefit from.
First off, I'm a thinker and my g/f is a feeler. I over analyze and she's a bit of an airhead - and I don't mean that in a bad way, just descriptively (my counterpart has its down sides too). I've learned, for instance, that just because she forgets to text me when we had plans and something came up that she doesn't care or that I'm not important to her. She just doesn't think some times- it doesn't mean that she doesn't care. Bottom line: if we commit the same action it means different things to each of us. I've learned that I need to interpret her actions subjectively to her personality.
Her challenging me to go find "the perfect girl" is really a need for reassurance. I think...
too much and I'm "a bit" of a perfectionist. I'm learning that (silly) mistakes on her part are something I need to accept, something that I can't/shouldn't/won't get upset at her for because it makes her feel inadequate and criticized.
Nothing is all her fault nor all my fault. We both have a tendency to want to deflect fault towards the other person. Often, our individual prides are more important to us than the welfare of the relationship. Lesson learned: forget about how upset I am and think about maintaining the relationship. She is not out to take advantage of me nor am I her.
Listen. Genuinely listen. Some times I assume what she means w/o truly listening. Also, in a disagreement it's not all about what I think- Even if I tend to be more rational it's not all about me settling the situation. She has feelings - irrational as they may be
- that need to be considered. I need to try harder to listen to her when she tells me what she wants in life - even if it makes me feel insecure in the moment, I need to listen to her lousy day at work w/o trying to fix the situation, I need to just listen to her no matter what and give her my attention- simple as that.
I have one of the moderators to thank for this one- Give. I need to stop being so damn concerned about what I need from her or what I'm not getting from her and try to be good for her. This one topic could branch off into many, many sub-branches but I'll keep it concise for this. It's not all about me. I need to consider how good I am for her. She has needs just as I do. Ultimately, I've learned to give w/o considering what I need.
Lastly, I've learned that I don't need to always "perform" around her. She's much better than I am at letting go and enjoying the moment. It's ok, I don't have to match her mood and be as she is. I can be myself and enjoy the moment in my own way. I don't need to constantly analyze the situation. She's my polar opposite in this way and some times I wonder why she's w/ me because we are so opposite in so many ways but I'm learning to not worry about that and enjoy the moment w/ her.
Before I go, I'd like to make it clear that by saying that "I've learned" these things that I still slip up. I still need to remind myself of all of this. But it's ok because we're both trying. Oh, and have a short term memory. Ya, that's a big one. Forget about all the crap that happened in the past. Focus on building a relationship and enjoying her and the times w/ her and just move the frick on to positive things. Ok, I'm done. Hopefully this helps somebody in some way.