1) Your sentences are too long. You should split some sentences into two.
Quote:
|
3 years ago my family decided to come back and live here, so we came and I went to a government school where I had to choose between commercial and scientific studies and obviously I chose commercial because I knew it was going to be much easier for me.
|
That should be enough information to fill three sentences.
2) Your speech seems a bit short. Have you rehearsed it in front of the mirror and stoped the time?
You could probably illustrate on memory of your past in detail. How did the situation with your mom where she toled you to stay played out in detail?
What are your hobbies?
3) In general speaking about giving the speech that you are giving isn't productive. You could outline which points you want to cover in your speech, but otherwise you should directly start with the story.
Starting powerful helps you to get the attention of the audience.