I came back because I felt the need to write a little in support of your wife, and when I read Angela's post about warming up first and the different ways to warm up, it fit in with what I was thinking.
It really does appear that she has a problem with being comfortable with herself. That also means a lack of confidence. And more, anyway, if she is not getting an emotional needs met (you may not realize) she really can't feel comfortable opening up to sex, opening up, taking her clothes off or be comfortable with what should be normal sexuality.
Angela said a lot of great things. If she is emotionally shut down and not feeling the love and ______ (you name it), she isn't going to be open to a pinch on the butt, or a hey there seductive look or caress. That is for women who are secure and for a relationship that has a healthy sex life. When you do that, she knows what that means. That you are going to want sex. So, she instantly closes down and forces you away. Because sex is the last thing she wants. Again, it is her. But, please think about what you could be doing (criticizing) or not doing (accepting, supportive, whatever,) to close her down and not meet her emotional needs. That said, you can't give it to her. She has to rise to the occasion and meet her own needs. She is probably failing in that department and really unrealistically needing you to fulfil her obligations to herself. And because you are not (can not) do that, she is shifting blame to you and turning off even more to you. Am I making any sense?
So, that means that there is a psychological aspect to this. I have some of these tendencies, so I understand maybe a little better than someone who doesn't experience it. It is in MY court, to make it better. My husband can help make it fun, and be loving and supportive and that REALLY HELPS.
But, you can start to make a difference by doing what may seem like little things, a special thinking of you call, leaving a little love note, sending her a little surprise in the mail, etc. Making her feel romantic is a hard thing to do, but try. She has a hard time feeling romantic because she feels bad about something about her self or in her life. Always do things, show her that you do find her incredibly sexy. It will take time, but I bet you if she can let go and trust in your love and believe that you find HER sexy, thinks will get better. Making a woman feel desired is more than a pinch on the butt, OK? Other actions speak louder than words or a pinch on the butt. If you can get her more confident in herself, and stay positive, keep it fun, supportive of her lack of confidence (maybe without letting her know that is what you are doing - just do it) you will see the sex kitten start to come out.
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