Wow, there have been a lot of interesting replies. So, I will also give mine. I do not feel you are being a jerk. You actually are really trying to be understanding. Being a good husband and father is paramount. It seems you are giving enough. I think the problem is with her. It could be that she has needs that are unfulfilled. When that happens in a woman, especially if it is emotional, the desire for sex tanks. She could just have a low sex drive. I bet you she is too serious about sex and can't just relax and have fun. I have been in both mindsets and I tell ya, being relaxed and looking at it that it can be fun is the way to go. If she can't relax, can't forget her day, doesn't feel good about herself, she won't want to have sex. So, you both have to work on figuring out what the problem(s) are.
I understand men need to have sex and that some men think that meeting their needs outside of the relationship is ok, but I have to tell you that that is treading on thin ice. It is only a small step from just a release here or there, to that becoming the way you have your sexual needs met without rejection, fear, or effort. ESPECIALLY if you get into porn. It is erotic and can make the experience enjoyable, but it is also addictive. In cases like yours, if you can't help your wife get to the bottom of her issues, if she can't relax and turn sex into something fun, you will avoid the rejection and hurt by turning to what is easier. Porn in this instance, will usually replace sex with your wife altogether, and that won't help your relationship. Even though your physical needs are being met, your emotional needs are not getting fulfilled. You won't forget that she put you in that position. You will start to resent her for making you have to do this. It just will not help your relationship in the end.
I have already had the wonderful opportunity to discuss this type of thing with the "do what ever you want to do", "do whatever makes you feel good" posters on this forum, so I know I am going to get pummelled, but what I am saying is true for someone that making the right marital relationship choices is important. In the end, those types of decisions will not help your relationship with your wife. Working on the problems is the only way to make it better. You haven't turned to porn because it goes against your nature. I believe you would have already turned to it if you were a lesser man with lesser standards of what being faithful in the marriage means.
I commend you for your honesty. You really are trying to be understanding. But that only works for so long. You have needs that need to be fulfilled, and I am not just talking sexual needs. There are so many other emotional and physical needs that are met by having a close, intimate, sexual relationship with your wife. You HAVE to tell her that you have needs and that this is important to you. You HAVE to tell her that you can't go through the rest of your life unfullfilled with your sexual life. You HAVE to tell her that you want and need it more and everything that comes along with it. If she is a good, understanding wife, she will realize that she is asking you to give up sex. She will also realize that something like sex can't just be on her terms. If she realizes those things, she will probably realize her responsibility to fulfill your needs. Besides, she doesn't want you to find it somewhere else. I have gone on long enough. I hope my take on it helps you. I am a woman, so don't think it is impossible for your wife to understand. It might take a lot of work, but if you can both attack it positively, it might just be rewarding.
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