[marklang500]

HI, I'm new. I've been dealing with this issue with my wife for a few years now, and I've never quite put my finger on the problem. But basically it is the same old story: I want sex more often than she does.

On the surface, it seems pretty cut-and-dry...it's nothing new to mankind.

But I am a thinker, and I'm not content to just "deal" with it. I also am not a sicko pervert. I consider myself a normal guy with a healthy sexual perspective.

I could write a whole book on the issues I've faced, but I guess it's probably best to just throw out my thoughts as of right now.

We had sex on Saturday, and then on Sunday I playfully tried to initiate again. She was shocked, because it had only been a day. "Give me a day at least!" she said. I don't typically try the night after having sex, but Sunday was full of laughter and chemistry, and well, It all seemed right. Monday, I tried, Tuesday I tried, Wednesday I tried. Never pushy, never mad. I just went on with the next day as if everything was fine. But in my head it wasn't fine. I felt rejected 4 nights in a row. The first night was OK I guess, because she was right, we did have sex the night before after all.

Sometimes I think she may be oblivious to my advancements. Other times I think she purposfully stays up too late before getting ready for bed so that there "isn't enough time".

Now we are in the situation where I am bitter. And women don't feel attracted to men that are bitter about not getting sex. It's a spiral that pushes intamacy away.

Her solution: stop wanting sex and we'll have sex.
My solution: Stop rejecting me when I want sex and I won't want it an unreasonable amount of time.

I've tried her solution. She doesn't realize it, but I have. Her solution is just an excuse for me to stop wanting sex. The other half of it, the having sex part, only happens once or twice a cycle. Tha's not a soultion. It's an excuse for me to just be content with what she gives me. "Stop wanting sex and then we'll have sex" really just menas "stop wanting sex and we'll have sex about as often as we do now. It just won't bother you anymore."

Something that I've noticed with my own brain, that I wish she understood: If I want sex, and she turns me down (this all is unspoken by the way. I initiate through action or flirtation and she rejects by just going to sleep.) Anyway, If I want sex, and she turns me down, a sort of "doomsday clock" gets started. Every single night after that that we don't have sex is like another rejection. When I am rejected the first time, it's like a raincheck that's only good for 26 hours. I try to redeem it night after night only to get another raincheck. I think 4 or 5 rejections is where I start venting. And venting is bad for my cause!

I think in HER mind, it's not so much a raincheck, but just off the agenda altogether, so I shouldn't be so surprised when I get rejected the next night--on a Tuesday night of all times! Of course nobody has sex on Tuesdays! Right?

But if I don't try for 4 nights at all, and then I try and get rejected, it only really counts as the first rejection. I'm cool with it. Her solution starts to make sense. But then she takes advantage of it. SHe rejects 3 mights in a row ON TOP of the 4 nights off that I didn't try. The doomsday clock speeds up...

The other thing that happens in my crazy head is scheduling. If I know that her period is coming in 8 days, I would like to have sex 2 times before that happens. But it seems as though she purposly delays sex in order to limit it to only once. For me, we could have sex on day 3 and day 6. For her, if we can delay to day 5, she's home free because we never have sex 2 nights in a row, and then the next night is the night before she starts, so it's unreasonable for me to even try.

Same thing applies in other times where we know we can't have sex. Like if we are staying the weekend at her parents house. I know sex is off limits Friday and Saturday night. So I will try on Wednesday and Thursday. If she rejects me both nights, I won't get a wink of sleep Thursday because I am in such disbelief and almost anger that she either doesn't think this through, or that she DOES think this through. Either way I am bitter. And if that happens at the tail end of a 4 night "raincheck rejection parlay" and I will be out of my mind. Laying there rejected on Thursday, not having had sex for 4 days, knowing you won't get to even try again until Sunday, is torture. I don't sleep. Not because I'm not getting sex. I don't sleep because she clearly isn't on the same page as me when it comes to this. And then I question how she feels about me altogether. All this, and she is oblivious to what it does to me.

Now, I take all that emotion, and I cover it up. Because I have tried in the past talking about it, and it makes it worse. Suddenly, sex is in the spotlight. And she hates that. So in essence, she has succeeded in forcing her solution: stop wanting sex and we'll have sex. Except I am still wanting sex. I am just ACTING like I am not wanting sex. Taking dumb "swingmaster" advice on the internet. Teasing and showing indifference to sex. Basically, lying and not being myself.

Just so you know, she is a stay home mom. I provide all the money, AND I do half the dishes, half the laundry, and half of the bathing the children. I'm a good dad. I'm a good husband. I don't party with the guys anymore. I don't go to strip clubs, I don't watch porn. (I don't even masturbate unless sh'es on her period, because I never know when she'll finally want sex.)

Oh, but I never say, "I deserve sex" or surely not "you owe me sex". I really don't ever think that way...that is, not until the sleepless 4th night of rejection. The sex we have is good. Unless she's just faking it. If she is, she's convincing. And my self evaluation is that it IS good. I'm not a premature "E" kind of guy. I just don't get it. Sometimes I catch myself browsing the "enlargement" websites. Do you see what this does to me? I should be more confident than resorting to that.

Uhhg. If I'm a jerk, then let me know. I really feel like I'm not. I just want her to want me as much as I want her. And I HATE feeling like she's avoiding me because that just makes it feel like even when we do have sex, she doesn't really want sex. I wish we were lovers. Not just a married couple that has sex. I don't think she knows the difference. I love her. But when I try to talk about this, she thinks I just love sex.

The part I hate the worst, though, is that all of the above just makes the situation worse.