Hi,
I haven't got around to writing an introduction, but thought I would jump in with a question regardless. In fact this post has become incredibly long winded even without a comprehensive background... I hope someone has the time to read through all this and make some sense of it.
I'm 19, up until a couple of years ago I had slowly become depressed and isolated over several years. During this period I withdrew into the internet and games in particular. Over the past couple of years through hard work and good fortune I have been slowly building and rebuilding my shattered self-esteem and life in general.
But recently I have found myself lacking the motivation to go out with my friends (It is still awkward for me, I am far from in control of my life). I don't know whether I believe it or whether I have convinced myself of it, but I don't seem to enjoy just going down to the pub, having a few and stumbling for a kebab (Which I can't have due to gluten allergies) and getting a taxi home. I suffer with quite severe acne, and I have been trying cleanses and sugar-free diets to undo the damage I have done to my body over the past few years. Recently I've been trying to avoid alcohol for the most part as well.
I don't think drinking is all my friends do (They are incredibly considerate, I hadn't seen them in years, but they still let me go out with them) but I lack confidence in my ability to go out and be independent outside of that routine.
The other problem I am having is, during my depression I became interested in making computer games (I found this forum through IndieGamer and its roots in Steve Pavlina's game company). I have been teaching myself Flash programming and I have a game coming along steadily. However I can't help but notice when I am in programming, I am missing out on chances to build my social skills, and recently having lacked motivation to socialise, programming is all I have been doing (If only I could use the motivation I have to create games for building my life!). I don't know whether I have enough discipline to get out into the world whilst managing to indulge in game development.
This realisation is quite painful to me, I have lots of ideas, many planned out in detail that I hoped one day I could fulfil. From years of lurking I feel I have a good understanding of the possibilities in online gaming and part of me thinks I could make a decent living at it.
During my more depressed years I used to play an online game and before I got back to reality I wanted to get really good at it and leave my mark. But I realised, what does it matter what these online gamers think of me? I moved on and never looked back.
I feel the same way about the game development scene, when I see the people behind games, they don't seem like the sort of individuals I want to align myself with. Part of me still thinks I am part of some kind of childish social ladder, not wanting to be a "nerd".
My other interest at the moment is marketing, maybe it would be better suited to this point in my life. The only problem is I don't have any relevant qualifications so I might have to go either into an incredibly low and boring 1 year college course (I just did one in Art and it's put me off completely) or a institute course probably with a bunch of middle aged women. I don't know whether I could allow myself to become a just another corporate cog, though.
Maybe all I need is to better plan my goals. Maybe my motivation has subsided because I can't appreciate how far I've come and the need to make smaller, quantifiable steps.
I think I need someone to kick my ass and either tell me to move on from games (I don't even play many games, I just have always had a fascination with making them) or keep me motivated to socialise. I guess that person will have to be me.
Thank you
Edit: Two things I would like to add... I think the problem is instead of getting bored watching TV, I tend to use that time programming. I think this reduces my motivation to get out because I don't allow myself to feel restless.
And a while back on a nice sunny day I went out with my college mates and we threw an American football around. I had the confidence to really take part for some reason, and being outside doing sports seemed to make me feel more confident than I have felt in a very long time. Like when I was much younger skateboarding or playing football. Don't know how relevant that is, just throwing out these ideas so I have them written down somewhere.