[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Remiel

I would recommend reading the book "7 habits of highly effective people". In that book the author talks about win / win. You know what you want right? He knows what he wants. Is there a way you could both discuss it and find something that suits both of your needs?

This is a good idea. When we get past hurt feelings we are pretty good at using exactly this method. I will try to turn to it earlier rather than after a confrontation.

Originally Posted by Remiel

Do you feel open to sharing some context about what it is that you want / need and what it is that he wants / needs that is conflicting?

It is going to sound so ridiculous now! There is something we are currently splitting the cost of which he utilizes far more than I. I told him I felt it would be fairer for him to pay. That hurt his feelings, as he felt I was accusing him of using me. I did feel kind of used because I felt that it was obvious who was using the lion's share, you know? And now when I'm writing this I find that it does sound so trivial and I think that we just didn't really get our points across to each other in a kind way. I don't know. That was this morning and he's apologized for getting so angry, but we haven't been able to discuss it further yet.

Originally Posted by Remiel

You said that you feel on guard for being lied to and with trusting other people. Why is that? What fear is being touched by trusting others? Now I'm not talking about blind faith here. I'm not so sure that this is something you can just decide to do and leave it at that. I know from my own experience that when I have a problem there is usually something from my past that provokes it.

I feel I will be betrayed if I fully trust someone with no reservations. I've known this and I've even dealt with what betrayal really is, whether it exists, but the fear persists and I know it has an effect on how I deal with others.

Originally Posted by Remiel

I'll give an example. Up until a year ago I was very very unconfident in myself. It would take me a great deal of practice to gain any semblance of confidence and if it was something new I'd have almost no confidence about it or myself. I discovered that the reason for this was I was hearing my dad in the past. Every time I did something I always heard "Good job, BUT". He didn't mean anything bad by it it was simply his way of trying to help me out to do a better job next time. But add that in with aspergers and I ended up viewing myself as a failure. Because I was always a failure (a lie here but one I accepted none the less) I never had confidence in what I was doing. Once I realized that and was able to pinpoint the trigger (my dad saying "Good job, BUT") I was able to gain a freedom from that and my confidence has soared ever since.

Thanks for sharing that. It makes a lot of sense.

Originally Posted by Remiel

That leads to misunderstandings when we don't realize other people see things differently than we do.

This is certainly the case with us. We have very different points of view on some subjects. So now I want to figure out how we can come to an agreement we can both be happy with.