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Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}  Yes, after it was all said and done, I understood why he felt badly about what I said. However, I still feel that what I was asking for was justified. So, now I am not sure how to solve the issue since if I get what I want he will feel hurt and if he gets what he wants I will still feel the same. |
I would recommend reading the book "7 habits of highly effective people". In that book the author talks about win / win. You know what you want right? He knows what he wants. Is there a way you could both discuss it and find something that suits both of your needs? Keep in mind that this isn't possible if the other person isn't willing to discuss it with you. I've had this problem with my brother before where I know what I want, I know what he wants and they are at odds with each other. I attempt to find a win/win for us and he refuses to participate. Which, at that point becomes a win/lose situation with me as the winner.
Do you feel open to sharing some context about what it is that you want / need and what it is that he wants / needs that is conflicting?
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Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity} Ah, there is one problem I have. I think I am projecting, but also when I ask for a clarification, I still have disbelief to whether it's true. I always feel on guard for being lied to and I have a lot of trouble trusting what people say so that is something I will just have to decide to do and leave it at that. As far as my boyfriend goes, he feels like I am grilling him when I ask for more information, but I'm not sure how to solve that. |
When it ties into fear I personally find that when I fear I have the greatest ability to misunderstand or project.
You said that you feel on guard for being lied to and with trusting other people. Why is that? What fear is being touched by trusting others? Now I'm not talking about blind faith here. I'm not so sure that this is something you can just decide to do and leave it at that. I know from my own experience that when I have a problem there is usually something from my past that provokes it.
I'll give an example. Up until a year ago I was very very unconfident in myself. It would take me a great deal of practice to gain any semblance of confidence and if it was something new I'd have almost no confidence about it or myself. I discovered that the reason for this was I was hearing my dad in the past. Every time I did something I always heard "Good job, BUT". He didn't mean anything bad by it it was simply his way of trying to help me out to do a better job next time. But add that in with aspergers and I ended up viewing myself as a failure. Because I was always a failure (a lie here but one I accepted none the less) I never had confidence in what I was doing. Once I realized that and was able to pinpoint the trigger (my dad saying "Good job, BUT") I was able to gain a freedom from that and my confidence has soared ever since.
Oh and as far as the 7 habits book goes I'm not quite convinced that empathy is something that everyone can achieve. A deeper understanding, yes. Empathy... I believe that takes talent. So basically take out of the book what you can that works for you. If it doesn't work then don't worry about it. Everyone has their own talents which makes them unique. That leads to misunderstandings when we don't realize other people see things differently than we do.