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Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}  I've noticed that there is a large communication gap between me and my boyfriend. We never seem to understand each other which leads to lots of needless fights and disagreements. I mentioned this in my How do I... thread and it's true that I had something I wanted to communicate to him and he took it very differently from my intent and his feelings were hurt. It seems he can't see where I'm coming from and it's frustrating. And since some folks on here have also told me that I've misunderstood them as well as having family members tell me the same, I thought I ought to really look at how to fix the situation.
I may be reading my fears or what I think the other person means into my communication with them.
So how do I solve this? My first thought is to take more time after someone says something before responding, but it seems like when I do that the person thinks I'm ignoring them.
What are your best tips for communicating effectively and ensuring the other person understands you in such a way as not to hurt them or create confusion? |
I'd say listen to understand. Here's what I mean by that. I used to listen and yet not really understand people. I still do that but I make a conscious effort to give them 100% of my attention when I am listening. Taking extra time before responding may or may not be a good solution. After all did you understand him? Or did you merely think about it more?
One thing I personally do to understand better is I do my best to not assume or project motivations onto another person. When in doubt I ask them and trust them for the most part. I know that I am misunderstood by my brother all the time and the reason is he projects himself onto me. Its ironic because I feel like I am a mirror reflecting back himself. I'm not entirely sure if I'm right but alot of the things I see reflected back make sense. I'm not judging him based on this mind you, just trying to gain insights into what makes him tick.
I'd recommend considering other people as mirrors. So the next time you think your boyfriend is doing XYZ think about why you think that. Is it actually that you would be doing XYZ if you were in his shoes in the same situation?
To sum it up I think that "when in doubt, just ask" is a good motto for understanding. Try repeating what they said in your own words and ask them if you understood them correctly.
I know this may sound ambiguous so feel free to ask questions.