[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

When your old pain and anger gets triggered now, is it still because someone recognizes your brilliance but doesn't see your pain, suffering, boredom, or need for help? Or is it just that the recognition of your brilliance is like a Pavlovian response, and reminds you of the old pain, even though there's no current threat or infliction?

Hmmm... I think it just reminds me of the old pain. I don't feel suffering or in need for help now. It's true that I tend to be bored easily, and being bored is about the worst torture I can possibly suffer. It's also true that I often feel confused and helpless because I still don't know what to do with my life. But it's no real pain, and I don't expect other people to help me with that anymore now. I'd say, it's mostly a pavlovian response.

Hmmm... But it's true that often people think everything must be easy for me as I'm able to do whatever I want and "just have to choose", and they don't see that it can be damn difficult for me. At least that's what happened with K. For him, I'm sooooo intelligent and strong and talented and great and whatnot and he admires me so much that he thinks everything must be totally easy for me in life, and he doesn't see that I'm having a hard time. So it's both I guess.

Also, does it remind you of your old pain and need for help when you recognize your own brilliance?

Oh yes, most definitely. When I am being successful, or when others admire me in some way or say that I shine, I immediately start feeling crappy.

Originally Posted by Angela

Yes, I get that you are self-compelled to distinguish a life purpose. But did you understand that I was saying it is a choice, and people are not required to declare a life purpose? Most people never do, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is a choice, and you are making your choice powerfully.

I think I get it now. It's a choice, but for now it doesn't feel like a choice for me. As I said above, everything tends to bore me, so I absolutely need a purpose to make some things meaningful. It's like when I just had to lie when I was feeling trapped. I didn't have any choice although it is a choice. Then you gave me the choice. Given the choice, I prefer having integrity, but before you freed me from "I'm trapped" I had no real choice. Given the choice, maybe I'd still choose to have a purpose, but for now I have no real choice: either I have a purpose, or I'm bored, and that's just intolerable.

When I'm done with "I'm useless", I'll kill "I'm bored".

When you reject my assessment of the difference you make in the world, Rose, it's as if you were throwing a hairbrush at the mirror. You are rejecting the beauty in me that is recognizing your own beauty. The most generous thing you can do is to be gratefully accepting, because by doing that you honor and celebrate Who We Are.

OUCH! Yes I can see that now. You're right, I hadn't thought of that before. It's not nice for others, what I'm doing. I'll practice being accepting and grateful.

Thank you Angela