[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

Inspiring possibility and life purpose are not necessarily the same thing.

That's true, and I'm realizing that only now! When I worked with you on "I'm trapped" this winter, and you asked me how my life would be without this belief, and we looked at everything I said, everything was boiling down to Harmony. So I decided to make it my purpose. It seemed obvious to me that if everything in my life is about harmony, this must be my purpose, right? Now I realize that no, maybe it isn't. Creating harmony still feels like the most valuable goal ever though. But recently I've felt that I resonate much more with expressing Strength than with expressing Harmony. But Strength definitely is not my purpose. Now I'm curious to see what will come out of the "I'm useless" process (I'm about halfway through it). Maybe all this has nothing to do with my purpose...

About life purpose: it's an elective. You choose your life purpose. It's not like it's something that exists and is discovered objectively, like a diamond in a long-lost mine that is waiting for you to find it.

Hmmmm... What about those saying that you decide about your purpose before being born, or that you'll be crying when you find it out eventually??

Plus, you don't have to choose a life purpose; most people never do.

Oh, but I have to. Like I said above, without a purpose nothing makes sense for me.

I imagine K is trying to be supportive and loving, but underneath that, it sounds like he is being attached to something, and withholding freedom from himself

Hmmm... How so?

He just thinks that with all my talent and pep and energy, "creating harmony" isn't spectacular enough for me. He also thinks that with all my harmless projects I'm distracting myself from the greater things I could be doing and having too little space for the insight to come.

The fact that what K said makes you angry is wonderful. You know that is access to something deep and powerful for yourself.

Oh, yes. I thanked him a lot for that. I'm not upset at him.

I know it's just old pain. What he said reminds me of all these stupid teachers and profs adoring me like a geeeeenius and always telling me how brilliant I was and that I could achieve just anything... and not seeing how extremely bored I was, and how lost I was feeling, not knowing what to do with my life, and not seeing ME as a human being, and not seeing my pain and my struggle with my ****ed up family and all other kids hating me. I'm feeling so angry at him for finding me so great!

it occurs to me that "making a difference" itself might be occurring for you like a duty, rather than as an inspiration or joy. Is that worth looking at?

Yes, that's true. It is also an inspiration and a joy, but also a duty. I think it's my job. After all, that's what I came for. I'm not taking vacations here!

sometimes I want to shake you and get it through your thick skull what an incredible human being you are, not potentially, but actually.

You know, I get very angry when someone tells me how wonderful I am. Of course it makes me feel happy, it flatters my ego, plus I see it as a sign that the person loves me. But deep down, I always feel like shouting back "SO WHAT?? BIG DEAL!!! I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING MEANINGFUL WITH IT! AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! BARK BARK BARK!"

Hehe sorry...