Caren's thread
I Believe I'm Worthless made me realize that I have the limiting belief "I'm useless". Thank you so much for that, Caren. Immediately the very next day, I was given a great opportunity to feel how much this charming belief affects my life.
K said that creating harmony is
not my purpose, like I thought it was. He said I do create harmony alone because of how I am naturally, but that it's something that I do "along the way" and not my true purpose. This hit me like a slap in the face I guess because I was subconsciously having doubts about my purpose. I felt desperate when he said that, because I thought "he's right! If it was my true purpose, I would be so sure about it that I'd have no doubts. And if I had no doubts about it, what he's saying wouldn't hurt like that."
He also said that instead of doing hundreds of things that don't really suit me just to contribute, I should do just nothing for a while and focus on finding out the one thing that I am really meant to do, for which I have the unique talents. He said every time I spend some energy doing something that's not really "that", it's like a little curtain falling, cutting me from my true mission. And that he will go work and earn money for both of us so that I can concentrate on finding out what my mission is.
I have doubts about my current strategy. I thought since I don't know what I should do, let's just do the next right thing I can do. So I learn this and that, plan on building websites I'm not really enthusiastic about, practice things I know I'm not really meant to do, start lots of projects and don't finish them because I know that deep down it's not really "that"... I don't know if this is the right way to go, so what he said really did hurt.
However, I don't believe in doing nothing till I know either, because honestly I have doubts about actually having this one unique mission. He meant it as a compliment, he says I'm up to something greater than the little things I'm working on now. But this makes me so ANGRY! I've always been the kind of highly intelligent multi-talented super student, I've always been told that I'm wasting my potential and up to something greater - and what did it bring me?? Nothing. I've never known wtf to do with my life. I could do anything, and nothing does have a deeper sense for me, so why do it? I'm a scanner. There's nothing I feel is "the one thing" for me. I feel talented and yet completely useless!
I'm feeling so useless! I was so frustrated yesterday that I cried my eyes out and ate a mountain of cooked foods. I even had thoughts like "I'll never find out what my purpose is. I'm completely useless. I'll never do anything useful here on earth. I should kill myself. I'd rather jump from a highway bridge than to live a life that doesn't make any difference for the world."
Right now I'm using Angela's method to get rid of this "I'm useless" belief. Maybe it'll get better after that?
Sorry for venting.