[mercuryrising]

Originally Posted by robc

If she is applying for a job in a different location far away from you and she is browsing online dating sites, those are some pretty strong indicators that the relationship is taking a nose dive.

Another part of the relationship problem is that you are focusing on talking about the relationship instead of just having one - alot of people fall into this trap. Do people usually talk about relationship issue when they first hook up? No, not usually - they're too busy dating each other and having fun. Where has that gone?

In our case, I'm not sure it ever existed. You make a good point. I'm often the one to want to talk about stuff which usually just leads into an argument. It's an act of futility.

Stop focusing on what makes her happy, start focusing on you. That's another relationship killer, you start doing too much for the other person, it kills the attraction because they subconsciously realize that you don't have much of a life of your own without the other person. Do you have guy friends, if so, hang out with them! Go to a gym on a daily basis. Continue to be a good father to your kid. Take care yourself and your needs and stop analyzing her every movement, she'll come to expect that behavior and that will push away even more. You are your own person, stop being attached at the hip to this person, it's clingly & insecure, definitely an attraction killer.

I should probably have this paragraph tattooed somewhere on my body. This past week has been different and it is mainly because I started to move toward some of my own objectives and stopped worrying so much about what she is doing. She has been much more receptive to me because of this. I really appreciate your suggestions. Some of them I hadn't thought of... which is kind of sad in a way.

How long have you been together?

We got back together this past November. The time before that was six years prior. She found herself in a bad situation (homeless in school without a job) and I agreed to room with her. Her brother paid her half of rent. This arrangement didn't last long (no surprise). I'm not sure this was the wisest move on my part.

What other problems are happening?

Well, the main issue we have is that she just finished a college degree and is a much better situation overall than I am. My finances are a mess and I have been rather lost about what career I should be in. This has caused a lot of friction between us. And, in all honesty, this is my fault. It creates a dependency issue between us. I hate it and so does she.

Another problem is that she acts as if I'm insignificant. It's like there is her and our daughter over here and me over there. Before our daughter, it was all about her. I could fall off the planet and she wouldn't notice. This has put me in a position where I am constantly chasing her, bitching and moaning about something and basically needy as hell. I don't like that. I've dated an assortment of girls in the last six years and not one of them treated me that way. If they did, I would drop them in a heartbeat.

I think what you said above about taking care of myself is the solution to most of these issues.

This may all sound really bad. Let me say that, on a positive note, we do both care for each other. We both try our damnedest to create a good environment for our daughter to grow up in. I think the problem overall is that this is a relationship out of necessity and not desire.

I don't think she feels anyone would really put up with her (though that isn't true) and I'm looking at about two years to dig myself out of the hole. And, of course, there is our daughter who is a pure drop of sunshine right in the middle of all this.

I could go further, but I figure I've aired enough of my laundry. I'm interested to hear what you have to say, Rob. You sound like you know what you are talking about...