[carenkh]

PM continued:

Originally Posted by Angela

Yeah, I totally get it. The world did not meet your needs when you were little, and so you felt perfectly justified and entitled when you stole*. And when others get stuff, it triggers your old pain and you feel that old slighted, overlooked, victimized, worthless, furious feeling again, right?

Boy, you are really going through it to get past it, Caren! Your courage is really something!

So, your little kid self wouldn't have said it like, "I was stolen from," would she? She would have used a more child-y word, wouldn't she? How would you have decided this when you were six, what would it have sounded like coming from a tiny girl's point of view? "I am ____" or "I was ____!"

Be that tiny girl, Caren, go there, this is the time. Go there and be with her, and listen to what she is saying. Tell me.

Originally Posted by carenkh

I want it! I want it! But I had to stop wanting, because the answer was always, always, always NO. Only I didn't stop wanting - they just didn't SEE that I wanted. I was such a good, polite girl. I always did the right thing - always. But I couldn't express my true human self.

I'm unimportant, I'm nothing. I'm nothing. If I can be nothing, I'll be OK. I can stop wanting if I can stop BEing. If I just inhale enough of this water, I'll drown, then I won't be any more. But, dammit, I want to live. A part of me wants to live. So I did.

Give me some words to try on for "I am" because I'm drawing a blank every time I go there. And I laugh, because I'm hiding from myself. duh.

Originally Posted by carenkh

I have something over my mouth, too, probably a hand. So I can't say what I am. I'm scared to do that.

That was, essentially, the end of our conversation last night. We have an appointment to talk by phone this weekend.

And, yes, I'm feeling incredibly vulnerable to post this here. BUT - I am me, and ultimately, I have nothing to hide.