[carenkh]

So... this past weekend, I had some experiences, and I got in touch with a deeply-held belief about myself: I am worthless.

For this particular foray into that lovely view, it started with a growing attraction to someone I've been volunteering with. He is married, and NOT in an open relationship. But, our energy when we're together... wow! Hugs that make you disappear, electricity when our eyes meet, etc. I did let him know of my growing feelings, because I can tend to push and push boundaries - just for the hell of it! Because I can. And I didn't want to do anything to alienate him, or cause pain for him or his family. I didn't say this out loud, but I was looking for help in maintaining boundaries, because I didn't trust myself. He obliged! And let me know he wasn't available, and that he didn't want to complicate things with me. I have no idea why I'm telling you this, other than it's part of the story. It's been quite a long time since I've genuinely been attracted to someone in this way! And it's kinda funny to me that he's unavailable... that's probably part of the attraction!

Anyway - I have known that he's quite well off, I could see it in his home, and the choices he's made. I am not. I am a single mom, unschooling with my kids, trying to make ends meet. AND I have money management issues, as in, I don't. Manage it, that is. So many issues... and I've been looking at that, a bit. Well, through conversations with other people, I found out that not only is he well off - he is a member of one of the most well-off families in our city. So he comes from this background of privilege. I come from a background of bare feet and washers on the front porch, and mayonnaise sandwiches because we couldn't afford anything to put on them.

Finding this out caused this HUGE ball of self-loathing to come out. I mean, I was just... of course he could never be with me! Even if he wasn't married! He is... out. of. my. league. And he'd never seriously consider being with me, anyway. I'm just... I'm invisible next to him.

All of this to say: that feeling felt SO familiar to me. I have carried it my whole life. My entire life of believing that I am worthless. I have no value, in and of myself. It was triggered in this instance by this particular story, but it's not about this story. Ya know? This was just the manner it made itself known, this time around.

I have no idea what to do with this. But thought I should post, then I've been afraid to post, so figured I really really should! Because it's doing those things that scare me, especially in relation to vulnerability, that bring the most gifts.

Thoughts and wisdom appreciated.