Gotta love torilink.
Helps me too, you and I have a bit in common Wax, getting our "lives in gear" a little older than we would have preferred. So essentially she writes for both of us.
Wax from my perspective, your resistance is pretty big and has been for years, which is the same thing for me. Sometimes we have a difficult past and we spend the rest of our lives living in a memory or time period that just doesn't exist. Living in the moment is challenging, but technically, that's all you can do anyway. All that stuff is gone.
Your ego has constructed this identity to protect you from the outside world. You have a lot of potential, yet are scared to use it, and in order for you to "keep your sanity", your ego has formulated dreams for you and an image of a better life but stops you in your tracks by getting lost in the past and dwelling on things that are now not relevant to your life.
They are excuses, and they are there in order to protect you from pain, being hurt "out there in the world". It's a little kid or the kid who had the crush or whoever, that created your life circumstance.
Your higher self has the desire, to have an abundant happy life that we all deserve. Once your ego senses you're going to take some action, it throws up road-blocks. Your higher self may know you're safe in the larger world, but your ego is terrified of being anywhere other than locked away in your room. I know the feeling.
Now you have to decide, who is living your life now. Your former self, or your real, genuine, authentic self that is now being uncovered.
Who is making the decisions. The kid from 1981 or the man writing in this forum.