Quote:
Originally Posted by torilink  I cannot tell you what those beliefs are, only you will know that. |
I'm not totally clueless in the PD arena
; I do understand completely that I was not infatuated with her, but rather with the idea of her, what she meant to me. I saw joy/happiness as something not only external, but even more something that only happened to "normal" people, the privileged non-outcasts. In my eyes she was a concentration of that particular sort of goodness...
It does bother me that I got the idea she possessed something unique that 1) I absolutely had to have, couldn't bear to live without and 2) is now gone from my sphere forever.
There's another angle here. I was happier in the past, and the year of my big crush, 1981, seemed the apex. It's been all downhill from there until now*, so this girl has come to symbolize a vanished Golden Age (from 1977's 'Star Wars' up to 1986, the year I took a soul-sapping job I was too stubborn and unwise to leave soon enough) as well.
*a friend tells me to use the phrase 'until now' as a hedge against holding negative beliefs in the present tense.