I've just begun reading "Ask And It Is Given", and I suspect it triggered the following. I did my usual meditation tonight, but for whatever reason I felt an old pain emerge, one I was aware of but hadn't faced head-on in a long time. It got so bad that I could not concentrate. Offering it up to the "Universe" made it even more intense, but also brought the following urgent thought to me - "Post this on the IM board". I kept thinking of the thread inviting the posting of intentions to hasten their manifestation, and how perhaps purging myself via a post might offer the same benefit. There is no doubt whatsoever that this is a "blockage" that has to go. It also concerns any and all who read this, as will become evident. More psychic dirty laundry...
When I was a kid, I had experiences that made it seem the world, and humanity, didn't have my best interests in mind, bullying and such mostly. But I now believe that the last, and most intense, of my adolescent crushes is what really set this negative belief in stone. I say this because it is the first clear instance I can think of where I felt compelled to adopt a certain poisonous "formula" for my dealings with the world.
I was extremely shy and introverted, and rather "geeky" then. Yet somehow when I got sweet on this particular girl, I actually worked up the nerve to tell her I liked her alot. To my amazement, she responded quite positively. That a "babe" would give me the time of day at all was like a miracle. The next few weeks I was floating on a cloud, but of course being the "geek" I never did work up the nerve to really connect with her. Yes, by another miracle I had the nerve to ask for her phone number, but was too afraid to call. As fate would have it, a short while later she transferred to another school, and I (in typical fashion) just sort of let my interest in her fade into the background.
Some time after graduation, having not given up on seeing her again, I stopped by my school and asked one of the staff if she knew what was up with my old classmates. I specifically asked about this girl first, and was DEVASTATED to learn that she was getting married. I dragged myself back home, and spend the rest of the afternoon sobbing and doing the "why me, God?" routine.
To make matters worse, to my naive young mind she also symbolized "normalcy", so being deprived of her felt like being told I would never be "normal" either - an obsession of mine at the time.
Looking back, I can see this was, if not the genesis, then at least the main driving force behind a reaction I would have many times after, in many areas of my life. This became a mantra of mine - "If I can't have X, I don't want ANYTHING!" I would seethe with bitterness, blaming the world for making me think I could have joy only to pull an endless series of cruel humored bait-and-switch "pranks" instead. I would "hit back" with my stoic, martyr-like refusal to accept any "option Bs". Humanity and the Universe became my bitterest foes, being my ever-reliable source of "second-rate blessings". Certainly there were other members of the opposite sex who showed interest in me afterward, but aside from my shyness problem, they also inevitably, and unfairly, got foisted into that "poor substitute for the Goddess" box. They, and I, never had a chance
I guess my question is this. How can I purge myself of this deep-rooted idea that, because I can never have that girl, I can never be happy? How can I make peace with All That Is, and understand that the end of this person's role in my life didn't and doesn't equal the end of everything? I just can't seem to separate the two. I have never liked endings, so, as I have yet to experience the loss of a loved one, this to date is the bitterest ending in my life. I keep telling myself that, if we're truly all one, then I can never lose her anyway, not in the way that ultimately matters, but still, the thought of never seeing her again in *this world* is frightening and depressing, even to this day.
Thank you for indulging my venting, and for the opportunity to offer, for the first time in my life, a public "olive branch" to those I've (in principle) stood against for so long. I'll never be free if I'm not free of all the above...