[Lauxa]

I have been doing so good recently at controlling my anger... most of the time anyways... but tonight was rough. I have no one to talk to about this, so I hope y'all don't mind me putting it up here...

Basically this guy that I am working on a project with gave me an ultimatum and then -- when I said I wouldn't respond to his juvenile threats -- thoroughly bitched me out. It seemed to stem from a miscommunication about expectations of roles on the project. I could see his point of view and so I decided to accede to his demands... but it made me so angry the way he just demeaned me and treated me like dirt.

I tried very hard while carrying out the task he demanded (it took about an hour) to stay in the present moment. I sang some prayers. My mind just kept snapping back, wanting to dwell on my perceived mistreatment and justifying my own actions (which were not perfect either).

Basically, afterwards I came back and then offered my own ultimatum. Which really was not fair, because the project includes more people who would also be affected. But if it is okay for one team member to be setting ultimatums, then I think it should be all right for all.

Also, after I had carried out his demands, he was all happy and smiley and "la la la, see how charming I can be if you don't p*ss me off?" Which made me even angrier. I told him that I did not agree that the way he had treated me was acceptable. We got into a short argument about who had wronged whom, but neither of us really wanted to go too deep into that can of worms.

Anyhow, I have been directing the pent-up energy into cleaning and stuff like that because I felt too wound up to sleep. But now there is nothing more to be done (not exactly true, but nothing more I want to do tonight).

I was feeling so angry, absolutely filled to the brim with rage, just wanting to go kick his head in, break stuff, even turn my anger on myself and hurt myself if I couldn't get at him. I was trying so hard to just feel the anger and not fight it, stay present, not get caught up in it, but I was struggling guys.

And then I remembered something, from when I was feeling so happy and peaceful and wondering if it were really possible to always feel that way and almost hoping for a bigger test to see if I could handle it. Suddenly, my anger dissolved and my heart filled with gratitude. Gratitude that the Universe would send me this challenge.

This guy I am talking about? Is not a bad person. Really we are very good friends and I admire him very much, but he really knows how to push my buttons.

I think I can go to bed now and get some sleep. Thanks for listening.