I've got a ton of reactions to different things that have been said in this post. I don't normally contribute, but I felt compelled...
Sonic, I agree with the others when they say a few of your posts give the impression you're looking for validation externally rather than drawing your self worth from within.
I think BDC made some great points in his post too. To those that think his point #7 is controversial, I think it sums up a lot about what is difficult about "being a man." It's hard to figure out what women want, and many women will give you advice that then contradicts their own actions.
Personally, I've been involved in what some call "the pickup" community and through it I've learned a ton about myself, women, and male/female interaction. BDC really did hit the nail over the head when he said it comes down to being a "desirable man." That really just means having your life together, being happy with who you are and being committed to your goals. Some of what Steve writes in his "How to be a Man" post is a good reflection of this topic actually.
About women, I've learned that they're far more intuitive than most of us guys would guess and that they can normally feel out what's going on in a situation. They'll be drawn to anyone they can see is "high value" but they're also fairly good at picking up on whether you're trying to be fake or if you have dishonest intentions. I've noticed that if I look at a beautiful women with the intention of "not being caught" I can really end up creeping her out. However, if I own my feelings and accept them and come from a more open place, the same behavior can even draw a positive response.
Being caught up with the opposite sex in the end is not a very purposeful endeavor. You're much better off getting through the emotional blockages that you have. When you emerge whole on the other side, you'll find miraculously that you have become much more attractive to all those around you - including the women whom before seemed "out of your league."
I can tell you that for me personally, being involved in "pickup" helped me get through a lot of these issues by forcing me to confront areas of my life where I was being inauthentic and incongruent. I think it's possibly one of THE best personal development tools available to a single guy, since it routinely involves flinging yourself into the depths of your psyche, confronting your fears, and disproving limiting beliefs that sustained your false fear. However, it can be one of the worst "tools" as well. I've seen many guys get sucked into its darker side. They are invariably the ones drawn towards a desire to control others in an attempt to compensate and make up for the lack of control they felt over their own lives before. Thus,when they learned what the opposite sex actually responds to they simply enable their own descent into low awareness behavior.
If there is one quality I noticed that unified all the "pickup artists" whom I met that were engaged in it positively, I would say it is the same underlying quality that made a lot of my favorite posts in this topic ring true: Honesty. Read BDC's post, and read some of the posts from aspiring to clarity. You can tell immediately there is something open, honest and compassionate about them. Real communication comes from this place too. In the end, all personal development could be seen as an attempt to reconnect our actions with these ideals.
If I were going to weigh in, then, on whether or not it's ok to look at other women when you're in a relationship I would just hunt for the outcome that led to sincerity, authenticity and openness. For me, I can't deny that I am still attracted to other beautiful women despite the fact that I am madly attracted physically, as well as completely committed mentally and spiritually to my current girlfriend. I tried the route of suppressing my looking and realized it was pretty inauthentic - I quickly became aware I was using guilt and shame on myself to try to moderate my behavior..not very healthy. Now, we talk about it openly and are very honest about our own and each other's insecurities related to this topic. This doesn't mean it's nirvana, and we still fight about it occasionally, but we both know the goal is to keep this dialog going until we can help each other resolve the issues that we still have.
I think this same blueprint can be applied to almost any other problem in a relationship as well. Hunt for the open and honest approach and all will be well.
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