Well, your story starts out kind of in the middle. And it's not really a "story" in it's present form. It's more a recounting of your experience... right?
You can introduce all the elements of your experience I think in story form. I like how you start with the drug cocktail... but that wasn't too clear. I didn't get it that you had drank a drug cocktail until a bit further.
And you have all this intro stuff... which is a lot of words, but I slogged through all of it. There is a lot of background stuff missing - like what is a guide? (I know, but a normal reader wouldn't). I'd like more background info on Kim and when she appeared in your life...
Basically, you had an NDE or something like it, I take it? I am very new to this stuff, so I don't quite get a lot of it.
I dunno what advice I could give you. Your story kind of started in the middle... and didn't have an end. If it was more complete, I could give you a better opinion. I can't do a movie review on a "trailer."
I know nothing of writing a novel... so I dunno what I can offer. And I'm a little bothered you didn't finish your story... cuz I HAVE to know what happens. I really liked how you said you were such an old soul, and how Kim had this fixation on you like she really wanted to be with you because you would normally not even give her the time of day. I like that character twist, that you were this really old all knowing soul, and she, this lower soul, but on this earth, she had the advantage cuz of the veil drawn over you...
But most of this would be totally lost on me if I had not been introduced to this before your story. So background info is better - but make it in story form. Or introduce it later... or something.
I dunno if I helped. But I really like what you have. It's very interesting. And even if it was all a hallucination or not "real" it is still entertaining. Think Lord of the Rings. Not real, but entertaining.  |