Wow,i just had a revelation!! I just realized something major!! I grew up being picked on,ridiculed,shunned,and rejected by all the guys i ever liked. Of course that is going to lead to no self esteem. So,naturally,you try to prove yourself to people,because you are taught that you have to fit in to be liked. And when i grew up and realized that i am not a loser,i realized that the problem was everyone else. Everyone else was judging me and picking on me to make themselves feel better about themselves. And now that i know i am a worthy individual,i feel like i have to make up for lost time and really show people who i am,because nobody saw it before! And its also partly because the way society is,most people respond to you if you have worthwhile qualities...so i've built up my qualities to try to impress them. It seems like you kind of have to do that in order to be noticed,and in order to get people interested in hanging out with you/dating you,etc. You certainly wont attract anyone if youre around a bunch of people talking about things they have in common when youre just standing there smiling being in the moment.
So...at least now i recognize why i act the way i do and why i think the way i do...an "ah ha moment"!
Now,the tough part,to actually put it to practice!