I think I can trust all you guys to help me out with a problem that's been on my mind for a long time. I would really appreciate any input!
I've been married almost 5 years. My hubby is 11 years older than me, I got married when I was 19. I'm not sure if it was a good idea.
I knew my hubby for years before. I had just been dumped by someone I considered my 'soul mate' and he was there for me. I suppose you could have called it a rebound thing. We only dated for two months before becoming engaged; I moved away from my family to live with his. You could have said that I was using him to escape the negativity of my family. I was in a whole new world. It was fun, he's a great guy, quite youthful (Read; immature) for his age. But as soon as the honeymoon was over I became really depressed. I had struggled with depression in school, and this thing lasted for a good few years. I figured it was a part of growing up, I had gone from living with my parents to living with a whole new set, I tried to find a job, I didn't know my purpose, I was still a kid, basically.
The past year or so I've grown a lot. I've been studying, becoming more aware, I've 'grown out' of my depression, I feel like I'm turning into a proper adult now. The problem is that I don't feel independent; I'm totally dependent on him and sometimes I don't know if he actually respects me or loves me. We don't really have any shared interests, we don't really talk in-depth about stuff; I've spoken to him about this before, he has this habit of becoming impatient with me and we just really struggle to communicate. You could describe it as me being a feeler and he is a thinker; we clash, rather than complement, sometimes I find him to be rather invalidating and stifling. We don't even engage with each other on a deep emotional level.
We're not exactly sexually compatible either. He has something he likes, and whenever 'sex' comes up, it's usually what he wants, which frustrates me. He doesn't seem to like 'intercourse' and we have sex a few times a year. It didn't bother me at first, but it feels like we're flat mates, siblings, it feels like that is how I love him. We hug, hold hands, but that's about as intimate as it gets.
Right at the start of the marriage, a voice inside was telling me not to date him. That voice keeps coming back and telling me this marriage is wrong for us both. I don't know if that is my ego trying to mess things up or what, and it's very confusing and stressful!
For the past year, I have felt like I want to leave, to experience life on my own, to live independently like I have never have, for some reason it feels like he is holding me back. I want to try new things and make my own mistakes (He can be rather judgemental of things he doesn't like or understand), I also have the urge to date more people, have sex with more people, I've only been in two sexual relationships and I want to explore life and people in a greater depth that I can't do in marriage.
And I often have to question; why does he love me? Why are we married? Because I honestly don't know. He is a great guy, fun, likes to hug and will tell me that he loves me, but he won't always say why, and I'm just not sure. I find myself wanting him to admit that he doesn't actually love me so we can both move on, but I don't want to hurt him, and sometimes I think that I've probably hurt his self esteem in someway and he needs help. I'm not sure if I want to leave because it's what I want and what is best, or because I just feel skittish and trapped. But these feelings just won't go away.
I became pregnant a year or so ago too and had a miscarriage. I think that was part of my self development. I can't help but think that it was like a message that we shouldn't have kids in this state. I don't want kids now anyway, I want to go to university next September, I've thought about moving away and living on my own for a year, so that I can have the experience and independence, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. But I'm also worried that, I'm gonna live with him for years, constantly uncertain and doubting, wasting his life and mine, when he could be with someone who is more dedicated.
Please help me understand what my head is trying to tell me
