Join Date: Nov 2006
I am a woman. I've been in a relationship for Ten and a half years now, soon eleven. And I don't see the reason why you shouldn't look at what's beautiful.
Maybe it is because my husband and I studied arts and aesthetics, but we have no problem in looking at a person of the opposite sex... and of our own. I look at beautiful flowers, beautiful paintings, beautiful houses, beautiful cars, beautiful dresses, beautiful animals and beautiful stones. I don't see any reason on Earth why I shouldn't look at beautiful people, regardless of their sex.
Maybe it is because I am very secure of my husband, but I have no problem in pointing out to him how pretty a girl is, how beautiful her long hair is or how well is dressed. Maybe it's because I look at beautiful people (men and women) as I look at the Samothrace Victory: with the pleasure I look at an art form.
I guess a girl should be angry if a man looked lustily to other women, and if he paid no attention to her. But I don't see the reason why a man you feel safe with, needs to cut off his eyes.
I think I don't fear beauty in other women, not only because both my husband and I see it as any other form of beauty, but also because we are very sure of each other. Yes, Mairead Nesbitt is prettier than me, and she can play the violin while jumping and dancing on stiletto heels while her white-gold hair flows following her movements. But she's not going to play Warhammer fantasy with my husband. She's not going to discuss the latest political headlines, Rolemaster's rules compared to HARP's, BBC documentaries on evolution and clothing aesthetics with him. She is a beauty I admire, but not a threat, nor something that makes me feel diminished. I mean, other girls are prettier, many of them prettier than me. But I don't care, first of all, because I enjoy their beauty too, and secondly, because I am sure of both my husband and myself.
I felt very identified with a scene in Atlas Shrugged, in which Dagny Taggart is waiting for her lover, and she says so when he arrives: that she was waiting for him. He asks her why many women wouldn't admit that, but she does. And she answers that she is both sure of his lover and of herself... that with any other man, she wouldn't be sure, but with him, she can admit how much he wants him. Doesn't use those words, but that's what she says. I feel totally identified with that.
Maybe it sounds arrogant, I don't know if I explained myself properly. What I mean is that when you have a common life project with another person, jealousy just disappears. You know if you are treating your partner properly, and you know if you both are happy enough. When things are settled and the weak infatuation passes away, and love gets solid, you just feel safe. When you are starting, maybe you feel insecure at other people's beauty. But a time comes when it disappears. So, look at what's beautiful. There'll come a point when you'll admire its beauty but won't desire it.
If you are starting a relationship and can't help your impulses, and find yourself looking extremely blatantly at another woman, and you do it in a way that could be offensive for of your girlfriend, I'd recommend you to use the "art critic" way out. Say the other girl has a greek profile, that her skin tone would need ochre to be painted, that her skirt matches her handbag (or not), that she can't really walk with those heels and may fall... Whatever that gives an impression of analysis. If you look at her coolly, as you'd look at an art painting, the girl is likely to be less offended. However, no girl should be offended by something like that, unless you stare for a quarter of an hour and don't listen to her.
If, after a long time, other women still attract you more than your partner, your relationship isn't working properly. I think.
Last edited by Natsu; 06-16-2008 at 07:53 PM.