[belugagirl]

One Free Man--

I SO feel for you. I remember feeling very much like this--so vividly that I can almost feel it all over again. I hope you will feel encouraged by the fact that I have left this feeling far behind me, and many other people have done the same. This post will be quite long, but please read on, because I believe that I have some valuable insight that might help you. This is from experience.

First, yes, 16 is a tough time for many. Hormones, all that . . . But your situation sounds more severe to me than just regular teenage stuff. You sound depressed. Not depressed as in situationally depressed. I mean chemically depressed. I believe that our bodies and brain chemistry are deeply connected to our perception of mood and even the path of our thoughts. Chemistry affects mood and behavior, and mood, thought, behavior, and environment affect chemistry.

That said, I think you could benefit greatly from some professional assistance--psychological counseling at the very least. I am not saying that you are crazy or that there is anything "wrong" with you. I compare psychologists to dentists: if you have a toothache, and it doesn't go away on its own, you see a dentist. If you have a psychological symptom that is painful and/or annoying and it doesn't go away on its own, you see a psychological professional. I know you have said that your location makes this difficult. What about at school? Your school must have a counselor or some other resource that could help you find one. It's worth a try.

Then there are the parents. First of all, I'd be curious as to how you approached your parents when you got the "get over it" reaction. Did you sit them down seriously and say, "Look, Mom, Dad, I have been feeling rotten for . . . (weeks, months) . . . I can't snap out of it. I'm very, very unhappy, and I want to see if a counselor could help me"? Or did you just talk to them in an everyday sort of way and mention that life sucks or that you hate the way you look or some other thing that a parent COULD take for being normal teenage angst? If you haven't done the "serious talk" thing, do try it. You might be surprised. I did not expect my parents to be receptive when I did this, but when I finally did, my mom started crying and said she'd been so worried about me because I seemed so unhappy, and that she and my dad had wanted to find a counselor FOR me but THEY were afraid that _I_ would resist.

If the parents still resist, talk to someone at school. If there is no counselor, talk to the principal or a teacher that you trust. See if there is anyone at school willing and qualified to speak to your parents about the situation and urge them regarding the importance of getting you some help. If you are a religious person, you might also try a priest, rabbi, etc. to intercede on your behalf with your parents.

IF psychological counseling WILL NOT work for some reason, depression can also be treated medically. I'm sure your parents don't object to you seeing a physician. Tell your doctor about what you are experiencing. A doctor can prescribe medication that may help rebalance your brain chemistry. I DO NOT recommend this OVER counseling. Counseling should be attempted first, or at least should be available simultaneousely, but antidepressant drug therapy _may_ be better than nothing. AN IMPORTANT NOTE, THOUGH: because of your age, some antidepressants may carry with them the risk of suicidal thoughts and behaviors, so you must discuss this with your doctor AND parents. If you were to pursue this course, your parents would need to know, in order to watch you for these side-effects.

Counseling or medication alone are not the full solution; they are only a PART of what can help YOU improve your mood. You will have to do a lot of work besides. Some very practical things can help: get plenty of sleep. Sleep deprivation has an impact on mood. Eat a healthy, balanced diet with as few artificial chemicals as possible. Our society tends to focus on calories and weight over nutrients and whole body function. Get out of that mindset early. Nutrition does affect mood, and some artificial chemicals can cause mood problems, especially food additives. Aspartame, for example, is thought by some scientists to interfere with the production of serotonin, which is a mood lifting/regulating nerotransmitter. Drink pleny of water! When you are dehydrated, nothing in your body--including your brain--works like it should.

Imhnyc mentioned exercise as one way of making yourself more physically attractive. I totally agree that exercise will help, but not just because it can help shape the body, but because it can help shape the mind! Exercise helps release endorphins. Regular vigorous exercise will help balance your brain chemisty. It can help relieve tension--like that feeling that you are about to explode. It relieves stress. Improving muscle strength can help you FEEL stronger, which can boost your confidence. And if you find the right activity for you, it can be fun! Experiencing enjoyment will help you think more positively about life.

Posture also has an effect on mood. If you don't believe me, slouch over and let your head drop a bit. This is probably a comfortable position for you. It feels safer, more secure than an open posture. You don't like the way you look, so your tendency may be to "hide" by curling up. Now . . . sit up tall. Gently pull your shoulders back and down and tilt your head up slightly. Take a couple deep breaths to expand your chest. Now try to feel depressed. What happens? You feel the urge to slouch, right? You want to curl up and over. that's because having a "depressed" posture is instinctively connected with feelings of sadness, pain, and vulnerability. It's hard to "feel" your depression while you're posture is upright and open. It may seem like posture is only the result of mood, but the fact is it works the other way around, too: changing the posture can help change the mood.

Thoughts are important. Thoughts are--at least partly--a chemical phenomenon. Mood is largely (if not entirely) a chemical phenomenon. So directing your thoughts is a most important skill, and a most difficult one to acquire. But it can be done. It takes time and consistent practice. This is one area where you have to realize that it IS under your control. It doesn't seem that way. Thoughts seems to enter from nowhere, and we feel like we have no control over how they come and go. And right now--untrained--your power to control your thoughts is no doubt limited. You may very well never achieve absolute control. Most of us don't. Buddhist monks and the like achieve their control through years of of daily practice. But we can all _improve_ our ability to guide our thoughts. (I think the term "guide" is better. "Control" sounds so punitive.)

Again, if you are skeptical, consider this analogy: It rains on the mountain. The water must find a path down. The water takes the path of least resistance down the mountain. The mountain SEEMS the same as before. But! . . . it rains again and again and again. The water each time takes the path of least resistance down the mountain. The path may change due to certain conditions and features, but eventually it takes the same path over and over and over. This goes on for years. What happens? Channels have been etched in the mountain. Now when it rains, where is the water going to go? Down the channels, of course. For the water to go another way takes too much energy.

Now, think of your thoughts in your brain as the water's path down the mountain. Every time you think a thought, you facilitate that pathway in your brain. This is a chemical process that involves increasing the availability of neurotransmitters along that nerve pathway. Think the thought over and over and over and what happens? The pathway has become "etched." Thus, when your brain goes to "think," the tendency is for neurological signals to travel this "etched" pathway, i.e. think that same thought. So: if you think repeatedly "I hate myself," "I'm ugly," "I'm no good at anthing," or thoughts like this, they will be etching pathways in your brain so that they are more likely to be the thoughts that occur to you first. The good news is: you can reprogram your brain deliberately! If you can stop those thoughts (Google "negative thought stopping" for ways to do this), those pathways will fade. And unlike the mountain, where erosion may take hundreds of years to erase set channels, your brain is a lot quicker about it! You can simlutaneously begin etching new, positive channels by deliberately having positive thoughts. So saying positive things to yourself repeatedly throughout the day is not just a touchy-feely, new-age gesture. It creates neural pathways. It does this whether or not you really FEEL what it is you're saying to yourself. If you tell yourself, "I'm OK," "I have a nice smile," "I'm a good friend," "I'm proud that I did my best on that assignment," and things like this, OVER TIME you will facilitate new thought pathways, and then those positive thoughts will be the ones you will tend to think first. Because this takes a while, you must be patient and persistent. Your current mood rut didn't happen in a couple days. Getting all the way out of it won't happen in a couple days, either.

(I have reached my word limit. I'll continue in a post to follow immediately.)