[Averbisadverbera]

Originally Posted by Alarin

- Through past experience you now expect people not to like you, which does actually cause you to act in ways which says to new people "I know you're not going to like me even though we've just met". Most people respond on such an instinctive emotional level that they will immediately pick this up and treat you in the way you're subliminally telling them to treat you. Does that makes sense? This is also called learned-helplessness, Steve speaks of it in this great article about levels of consciousness.

I'm aware of this, but I don't know how to change it. The article doesn't offer much insight into that. Do you have any ideas?

- It also sounds like you don't value yourself enough. Even though you carry yourself confidently it sounds very much like your self-esteem has taken a beating over the years and now you think you are not very valuable and don't have much of use to contribute to the world. Which is completely and utterly wrong, you are wonderful and unique and have things to offer the world that only you can offer, but more on that in a minute.

My self esteem is dependant on external sources. If I'm happy I can feel good (and occasionally have a good interaction) but 90% of the time i'm completely depressed and suicidal. I've tried (clinical, ie antidepressants and illegal) drugs btw. The only thing i've found that can lift me is heavy drinking.

Another real-life example - a few years ago I cut my long blond hair very short and I couldn't understand why people started to act differently to me, why they were standoffish and at times even seemed intimidated. The reason was that by cutting my hair I no longer met the stereotype of what 28-year-old blond females should look like and people assumed that the way I looked also dictated how I would act - girls with long hair are nice, girls with short hair are dominating, etc. When I realized this I decided to grow my hair again, as an experiment more than anything else, and the results have been very interesting - where before even perfect strangers would avoid eye contact, now they smile at me. People are nice to me and help me where before they avoided me. All because of a damn hairstyle

Right now my hair is very long and unkempt, do you think I should do anything with it? I haven't cut it in ages.

Also begin to think in terms of what you can give to others and I know you will find your relationships with others improving dramatically! For example, work on becoming a really good listener. People LOVE to talk about themselves and you will have more friends than you know what to do with if you simply listen to people and ask them questions about themselves. Also work hard to observe the little niceties, people love it when other's are considerate of them because it makes them feel special - take drinks over when you visit someone, make everyone tea / coffee, offer to clean up the table or do the dishes, etc, they're all little things that tell other people "I believe you are valuable!" and in return you will become valuable to them. There's a great book called "How to Win Friends and Influence People" which I highly highly recommend, it's all about this kind of thing.

Asking questions doesn't work. I fail at conversation so badly, asking the other person about their life doesn't work, even if im very interested. All I get is a robotic, disinterested answer. Also, the whole doing things for other people would probably work for a girl, but with a guy its going to seem needy and submissive, which I already appear as.