It was this time that I had to go into the real world. I moved to Sydney and got a job. It was a entry level job in typesetting. I quite enjoyed the job, liked the people. Everything was going fine, but then I got a call one day from my mum, who was still with my dad. Saying dad was not coping and is very ill. So basically my dad was having a nervous breakdown, he felt incompetent in the job he had and all was doom in gloom. So anyway, I came back to home to find my dad in a terrible state. He was screaming on the floor all day, crying, moaning, saying that it's the end, that he wanted to kill himself, that he had nothing to live for. I had never seen my dad in this way at all, he always was confident and held it together. But anything I would say to my dad would not help. So I become quite sick with worry too and it effected my working situation too. My dad would phone at work and guilt trip me and say he wanted to end it. This was so hard for me and very inappropriate of him. So I would run out to the toilet and just ball my eyes out. On top of this I noticed that I was becoming more and more nervous with working with people closely. If someone looked over some of my work on my screen I would freak out. I would feel clostraphobic and though they were going to point out something bad of me and was scared of what they were to say. So I would try and distract the person so that they would not come near me. Again when I was meant to talk in meetings I would avoid them like they plague, because it would make me feel so sick from worry.
Anyway, my father in the meantime, had a complete breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar. He went on an absolute high and was the scariest thing I ever saw. Even though my dad was a JW he actually came from a very conservative upper class catholic family, he is well read, very intellectual (did not rub off on me), smart, well spoken and now he turned into some freak of nature. He was running down the streets at night, ringing up people, making friends with horrible people, that would just feed his schemes and ideas. Just proves when your in a certain state, you can attract different people than you normally would. He wrote this embaracing letter to his boss about how he was going to take over the company and well you don't need to know the rest. My dad also at this time while on a high told my mum to get out of the house and be out by the next morning. Even though my mum had been helping through his lows and highs, my dad just threw her out on the street and has never apologized for his behavior. I was happy they split, but it was the way it was done and how dad has never mentioned the way he did it.
So eventually dads lithium kicked in and he went in the opposite way and became suicidal. Now not having mum he would ring me up everyday saying he was going to end it. At times I had just wished he did. One night I got a call that he downed bleach and was in hospital. It was all too much me, the stress was making me go insane too. So I had a mini breakdown myself and went and saw a doctor who prescribed me some anti depressants. At the time they did help and actually lifted that underlying depression I had for so many years, you know locking myself up in my room etc. So I took the anti depressants for about a month or two but just went off them as I didn't like how they would make my head tingle and also having my dad ill, I did wonder if medication is just a quick fix by drs. I wasn't too keen to take it in the first place, but I was desperate at the time.
So I went off the pills and I have to say I have never gone back to feeling as down as I did before I had them. I mean really noticed a huge change in me after taking the pills. I did not go back to my depressed state and I'm not talking about the events trigged by my dads illness. I mean the depression before that.
However, I have noticed that ever since I went off the medication I have put on heaps of weight and I am a hell of a lot messier prior to tablets and I probably a bit more scattier. So eventually my dad got a bit better. still a bit wild but much better. So I decided to get back into the real world.
So at the time I thought well maybe typesetting doesn't really suit me and maybe I need to do some more study. I always like aesthetically pleasing things and had a passion for interiors. So I decided to study interior design. I liked the design element, but I quickly relised that I would not be suited to the industry because you got to talk the talk and walk the walk and I could hardly talk, let alone walk
. The people were also really bitchy, you had to have claws and attitude to survive. That would not be me.
So I thought well, I am creative and when I had done my first course in desktop publishing I saw a couse for Multimedia and was very intrested in it, as it mixed graphic design with emerging technology such as web(at the time). At the time I couldn't do it becaue you needed a two years arts course behind you to get in. So now I had the arts course and so I did my three year degree. I really did love the course and it was the first time that I actually was happy in myself. The teacher, friends I made were really lovely. I had so much fun and just was so excited to have found some happiness. I never knew about this thing called "fun" and "enjoying life", it was all new and wonderful. At the same time I did take on a job as a cleaner. This was so degrading to me, especially as the people in the office looked at me as nothing and yet they knew nothing about me. So at night I would get really really upset about having to drag myself to work. I wondered why I kept the job so long (4 years) and I know why, it was because it was better than dealing with people looking over my shoulder and making me talk. About facing my fear of talking infront of people, because lets face it you have to talk to people and sit in meetings and give opionions in an office environment.
Even though I kind of knew I was avoiding people and situations its never really quite dawned on me that things might be different in the real world.
So once I finished uni, I applied for jobs. Pretty much all of them I was a nervous wreck. I would get so nervous, just as I did when having to give talks as a JW. My mind would go blank I would ummm and arrree, I couldn't think of the right word off the top of my head. I couldn't present my work, the process behind it. So I would miss out on lots of jobs and also avoid a lot in big firms jobs because they were probably even more harsher. I started to just realise I was very bad at projecting myself. I lacked confidence. Luckily enough I did find a job and it was a job that I actually liked. I was very nervous in the interview but they were the type of people that didn't seem to care too much, I think they knew I would fit in well. The people there were quite down to earth and probably some of the characters had their nervous quirks like me. So I felt comfortable and happy. Of course my happiness was short lived because my contract finished and I knew at the start that it was only going to be a six month contract. I felt so upset when I knew I had to leave that job, it was something that could of suited me quite comfortably and yet I couldn't continue with it.
So back on the job search and I did find a job with one of my friends in the company he was working for, luckily the interview was much easier than normal, because it was via phone and it was quite quick and I also had my friend to back me up. So I was lucky and so I had a job. Not only that they job was pretty much autonomous which suited me to a tee. Anyway, this was a contract job and by the end of my contract I wanted out, because I had a nutter manger come in the last month. On top of that I nearly had a nervous breakdown because of work overlapping and feeling inadequate with my speed and design work. I began to not eat and lost quite a bit of weight in a few weeks. I literally one night could not stand up and just felt my head swirling and I could my mind was just in a buzz. It was closest I thought to thinking it was the end of my life. My brain felt like it was going to explode. I had never had such expereince and for weeks afterwards I would get a tinglying sensation in my head anytime something stressful would come about, especially at work. The tingly sensation, would stop me from being able to think, it would block out thought. Strangest thing.
Ok so there couldn't be more right? Well of course the day I was dreading for came. I knew it was to happen, it was inevitable as my dad has nothing and will always be struggling. So he went back into a low state probably 7 years from the first bout. Again with the I just want to kill myself. I picked him up from the hospital after he admitted himself and he turned to me and said "well this is the end of me". I didn't know what to say. In some ways I wished was the end, because I know this time will come again and again. I will go through the whole scenario in another few years. So I wished he would of just end it. It was just all too much for me.