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Originally Posted by Lauxa  Ah, dancer, I wish I could be as calm as I would like all the time and that my zen would produce the results I desire!
My daughter weighs over 60 pounds and she resists going to time-out by hitting and kicking (although this has been reduced recently since I have introduced the "hitting game" and begun hitting back), prying my hands off, or just sitting down and squirming around impossibly. She is so hard to carry or drag to a time-out, besides which, they have had no effect on the spitting. Maybe this behavior has been caused by past mistakes on my part, but at this point I just have to get her to behave civilly... I think I am more afraid of being too soft than of being too hard at this point... I just want to make sure that the discipline is coming from a place of love and not of anger. I know when I was a teenager I remember thinking that my parents should have been harder on me... I didn't have any chores (and threw huge fits when asked to do anything) and was basically a brat... I never cleaned up after myself which made life difficult for my mother... I even refused to say "thank you" to my grandfather (who cooked us lunch every Sunday) without a huge struggle... so I am afraid if I let her get away with this behavior she will just be a brat. But I must remember also to give her more of my undivided attention, thank you for the reminder.
Manguru, I don't remember ever being told as a child that I was ungrateful. I was told that anger was sinful, but it didn't stop me from being angry. Like I said before, I think it was more of a manipulative behavior. Maybe I learned it from my mother, who would get very frustrated when us kids would misbehave? As if somehow we would sense her frustration and then magically stop... well, that never worked...
As for not getting what I truly wanted, I remember feeling like childhood was just something I had to get through before life could begin. Maybe there is some similarity... a feeling that raising kids is something I have to get through before I can get my life back. But is is something I have to do, and I would like to find some happiness in it.
I feel so exposed typing all this, airing my dirty laundry, please be gentle... |
You need to realize this is serious. What you do now, your daughter will mimic and probably carry with her all her life. You cannot lose your temper around her. This means you cannot lose your temper anywhere. I speak from experience. I've been through it. I finally have my anger under control, but it took the real possibility of losing my wife to make me say, "Enough. No more excuses. I have to face this head on now." Don't wait a second. What you need to do is what I like to call, "Monitoring Yourself". I used to think that monitoring myself every moment was too much work until I realized it takes a hell of a lot more energy to pull myself out of a situation where I've blown up on someone than to keep tabs on my emotions. You have to prepare yourself for anger attacks and say, "No matter what. I am not going to dive into anger. I will apologize before I even think, even if it's not my fault. I will step aside if someone is pushing me. I will walk away when someone is disrespectful to me. I will do whatever it takes to get away from the temptation to lash out because I will not be that lunatic any more. No matter what." That's what you look like when you get mad and lash out. No matter what you believe, no one looks at someone who just screamed at someone else and says, "I have more respect for that person." Even the people who were on your side will immediately leave you alone when you lash out in anger. It can no longer be an option for you. You don't want your child to absorb this awful thing called anger and have to live with it for half her life. Talk to her and try and explain. I know how hard it is. I have a three year old boy and he can be a terror. It will take time because she has already seen your anger and thinks that that's what you do when you don't want something. You have to keep stressing to her in a clam voice, "That's not how you get something you want. We don't hit and we don't yell." Time out's will work, but you'll have to stay calm and continue to pick them up and put them back in the time out area over and over and over and over. You have to remain calm and you have to do it until they give up. Then you don't let them up until you talk to them and they understand why they were put there. Don't say it won't work. It will. It may take forever, but if you keep calm, they will tire before you as long as you have a stronger will. Just remember, your child’s life depends on it. If she develops an anger problem, she will lose opportunity after opportunity throughout her life. Like Angela said, read the Power of Now and any other self help book you can get your hands on, but number one, you have to prepare yourself for anger attacks and absolutely commit to stopping them before they happen by monitoring yourself. Your diligence and commitment has to be absolute.