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Hi Lauxa,

I am not a parent, but I have worked with lots of kids over the years. My advice for the spitting issue is to try ignoring it. Now, don't get me wrong, the idea is to have it stop. But right now, the way things are, I am guessing your daughter is acting up to get attention. Negative attention is just as good as positive to a kid who needs it. Please don't think I am saying that you have been neglecting your child because that's not it. It may be that she has trouble expressing what she needs in a way you can understand so she acts out.

It may sound kind of odd, but a Dog Whisperer approach works with kids as well as dogs. Stay with me here, I'm sure you've heard the technique before. You minimize your attention to bad behavior and reward the good. When she spits at you, calmly and without reaction take her to time-out. Just take her hand and walk her to a spot you've designated as the time-out spot. If she gets up, calmly and without reaction take her back and say something like "you need to stay in time-out." Rinse and repeat, but say nothing after the first couple of times, just calmly walk her back and set her on the spot.

The first time you do this, it's going to be long and drawn out most likely. Once she's staying put, she's on the clock for 4 minutes (one minute for each year of age). You can set a timer or just watch the clock. When the time's up, you go to her and have her apologize for the behavior and then you give her a hug, tell her you love her and move on to the next thing you need to do.

Along with this, it would be great if you could set aside at least 30 minutes a day (longer if you can manage) to spend one on one undivided time with her. You may say, "I'm with her all day!" And you are right, but this time will be for her to guide the interaction. Maybe she will want to play a certain game or talk to you or color together. Whatever it is you give her all your focus at that time. Give her a heads-up when the time is coming to an end and let her know what you'll be doing next.

Kids do really well on routines and not so well with surprises. I wouldn't say you have to schedule your entire day to the minute, but have a general idea of how the day is going to go down and prepare her early on for what the day holds.

Look at what she's eating too. Sugar, caffeine and artificial colors/processed foods make kids crazy. Avoid as much as possible.

Certainly your attitude will be reflected in her, so take some time for yourself. I know that it's not easy to do, but get her on a bedtime schedule (early, she's 4) and take an hour to do something you really enjoy or that relaxes you.

I've had kids spit at me in my work, I've been basically assaulted by a 7 year old who's parents were going through a divorce, I've been hit and had things thrown at me. But these are kids and usually that kind of behavior is pointing to something that hurts them or is missing for them. Again, this is not a judgement on anything you've done it's just an admonishment to remember that she doens't have the tools to deal with this in a proper way. That's what you have to give her. When she's angry have her explain as well as she can what she's feeling and why. You can give her a word if you see her struggling to get it out, but don't take over and make assumptions for her.

I know it probably feels sometimes like you have had to give yourself up, like you're shackled to this kid for the next however many years. But it really can be joyful and very enlightening to have a kid around once you get to a point where you can enjoy them for who they are rather than wrangling them.

I hope I've not come off as condescending at all. You may be doing a lot of this stuff already and not being a parent I don't want to step on any toes or sound like I'm an expert. This is just some stuff that I've seen work.

Oh, and watch Supernanny. Really, she's got a lot of good, actionable techniques!

Best of luck!