[garentee]

I have written her a lot of letters, had a lot of conversations with her while on hikes or graveside. those are truly helpful.That said though I am looking at the core. The hidden anger at both her and myself. I had a great conversation with a friend of mine who lost her father at age 11 and her words to me were that there are two involved in this situation. Me and my mom. It really puts a lot into perspective. The other way of looking at this that I had never done before came to me from a friend who had just had a child..(well actually a year ago). She told me that I should imagine the terror and fear my mom felt knowing that she was leaving us. she knew that my dad could not handle his emotions. It probably tore her apart just knowing what would transpire when she left. The point is if I put myself into her position there is no way that I can feel anger at her when I think about her pain. Not only is it physical pain from the cancer, but this horrible psychic pain from knowing what she was leaving behind. Not to mention all of her dreams and wishes left unfulfilled. How can I get angry at someone for that? I did become angry because at ten it is all about you. That is what I carried with me for all of these years(31) since she died. It is time to make it go away. It serves me no longer. In fact it holds me back. I feel tons better since I started this thread and want to thank each of you for offering your thoughts.. Each one of those thoughts has provided beneficial help to me. I am not sure if I said this in a previous post, but probably the most important thing that has come from this thread is the fact I can say I LOVE YOU MOM and it does not hurt .. it makes me smile. Pretty awesome stuff. You all rock. Thanks G