[Rafael Perez]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I don't really feel alive anymore...
I've sought help but that help didn't really help at all... I'm so lost and just don't know what to do... I think I'm going crazy... all I want to do is die so that I won't have to live the rest of my life this way... My mind is on auto-pilot and I can't seem to gain back the control over it... it never shuts up it worries about everything, and its driving me crazy... My anxiety is intense and everything is so dark, is there a way out of this misery?

This is where I was a few months ago. I wondered if I stayed still long enough if my body would just expire. I wanted to just die, get it over with - it seems like the only thing in our life that is a "for sure" thing.

My marriage had fallen apart
I had lost my cars
I had lost my job
two of my kids left to live with their mother
I had lost my best friend
I was told I would be homeless in a week
I had been kicked out of my church
I was told God was no longer with me

Suddenly something happened. Since the fear was no longer there of losing these things I had a moment of clarity.

After a month long depressive state in which I did absolutely nothing I got up. I had purpose in my life. Slowly in my mind I put the puzzle pieces together that lead me to where I was.

I knew that this had all happened because I wanted it to.

I was miserable in my marriage
My cars were junk and I hated them
Hated my job
My best friend had become a different person
The house I was in was falling apart
The church environment had changed (I did not like it)

God never left my side. (what ever you call it, I call it God) I realized that God had never left because he was a part of me. I was never alone, I was perfect and everything that happened in my life was perfect. It was what I wanted.

These things were a long time coming and took the path of least resistence in order to occur. At the time I felt like a victim of circumstance.

I was in control, I was always in control. The first lie that you tell yourself is that you are imperfect, that you are just not good enough. Because of this horrible lie you will justify keeping your self in a state of misery.

At that point I started to focus internally and no longer blame my circumstances for my misery, I took responsability. I had lied to myself and others for so long to keep this reality intact afraid to move out of my comfort zone.

I started to notice events that had taken place in my life because of the eggshell limitations I had formed around me. Fear governed my life and I made decisions based on fear. This fear dominates every aspect of your life.

Your entire state of being creates a world in which you are most comfortable, and your dominant beliefs are what create this comfort. If you are miserable it is your fear that creates most of these dominant beliefs.

Take a close look at what I define as eggshell feelings (there are more but this will give you an idea of what to look for in your life)

• Fear
• Resentment
• Guilt
• Boredom
• Anger
• Annoyance
• Worry
• Heartbreak
• Insecurity
• Depression
• Worthlessness
• Any feelings that make you feel like a victim
• Any feeling that makes you feel like you have no control
• Feeling like you owe someone
• Feeling like someone owes you
• Feeling like you need someone or they need you
• Feeling like you need something
• Feeling like you have wronged
• Feeling like you’ve been wronged
• Following someone else’s expectations of you
• Making promises you cannot keep
• Feeling obligated
• Feeling dumb, stupid, or negative about self
• Feeling small and ugly
• Feeling judgmental
• Feeling like you may get caught in a lie

Alot of the lies that we tell ourself is that we are doing someone good by meeting their expectations and not being our self. This is a fear of being left alone, a fear of someone going away.

You are never alone and you should consider being who you want to be and turn your focus from others. This focus should be inward, what kind of relationship do you have with yourself... How do you talk to yourself:

• I can’t do it
• I do not have the energy
• I’m not strong enough
• I don’t know what to do
• My life is horrible
• I always make mistakes
• I’m stupid sometimes
• I always have bad things happen
• I am so unlucky
• I always attract the worst people
• I have no control over my life

Consider how you talk to you or others about who you are. Take every moment in your world to live for the moment...

What I mean by "live for the moment" is that nothing exist other than right now. There is no past to look at, and no future to dread... All of your time is happening right now.

So take control of you. Only you have this control.