Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - confronting parents about their "mistakes"??

babssoft · 05-14-2008, 07:21 PM

Hi Metamorph,
I've been dealing with some anger toward my family recently, and I've made some really great discoveries.

For one, I think Steve is correct about finding ways to be grateful- IF this feels genuine for you right now. If it does not feel genuine, or like you are not ready to release your anger, then don't bother trying to force feeling grateful down your throat- it will just come back up again.

Instead, I would recommend spending some time meditating or allowing yourself to experience the anger, look at it, invite it in, and gently begin to question it and find out the real cause. Personally, I do feel that it's important to own our anger, and to allow it to be there. I also think it's a bad idea to try to put on a happy facade when really what we feel is anger and pain.

One question I find myself asking lately is "what am I really angry at?" The truth for me is that I am not angry at my parents, I am disappointed that their consciousness is lower than my own, and therefore that our relationship has to change drastically. Maybe it's not as strong or intimate as it once was, and this is frightening to me. But, this is part of growing up (which you never stop doing no matter how old you are). Sometimes we must accept that we can't be close to everyone we love. Relationships change and evolve, and it can be very upsetting, but ultimately, we need to find a way to live with it.

So, while I am not completely against the idea of stating your feelings, because I do see this as a way of asserting your boundaries, it seems that you have already tried this approach without success.

Therefore, I believe that above all else, the key in these types of situations is boundaries. I think the concept of personal boundaries is still highly underrated, as well as misunderstood. There are endless ways that one can defend one's integrity appropriately without destroying or corroding important relationships. When we erect boundaries, people who push those boundaries tend to give up when they see it's of no use. Using passive resistance will allow you to maintain your authenticity and integrity, while sending a strong message that outside opinions are not welcome. In effect, you are showing what you want in a way that is respectful of both parties. I encourage you to experiment with boundaries, and see if they keep up the lip service.

These relationships can be hard work, and it's very important to keep our own energy intact. When we try to change people, we dip into our personal energy reserve, agitating the delicate clarity and strength needed to really be effective in that situation. This is why trying to change others never works.

05-14-2008, 07:21 PM	#32 (permalink)
babssoft Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 14	boundaries Hi Metamorph, I've been dealing with some anger toward my family recently, and I've made some really great discoveries. For one, I think Steve is correct about finding ways to be grateful- IF this feels genuine for you right now. If it does not feel genuine, or like you are not ready to release your anger, then don't bother trying to force feeling grateful down your throat- it will just come back up again. Instead, I would recommend spending some time meditating or allowing yourself to experience the anger, look at it, invite it in, and gently begin to question it and find out the real cause. Personally, I do feel that it's important to own our anger, and to allow it to be there. I also think it's a bad idea to try to put on a happy facade when really what we feel is anger and pain. One question I find myself asking lately is "what am I really angry at?" The truth for me is that I am not angry at my parents, I am disappointed that their consciousness is lower than my own, and therefore that our relationship has to change drastically. Maybe it's not as strong or intimate as it once was, and this is frightening to me. But, this is part of growing up (which you never stop doing no matter how old you are). Sometimes we must accept that we can't be close to everyone we love. Relationships change and evolve, and it can be very upsetting, but ultimately, we need to find a way to live with it. So, while I am not completely against the idea of stating your feelings, because I do see this as a way of asserting your boundaries, it seems that you have already tried this approach without success. Therefore, I believe that above all else, the key in these types of situations is boundaries. I think the concept of personal boundaries is still highly underrated, as well as misunderstood. There are endless ways that one can defend one's integrity appropriately without destroying or corroding important relationships. When we erect boundaries, people who push those boundaries tend to give up when they see it's of no use. Using passive resistance will allow you to maintain your authenticity and integrity, while sending a strong message that outside opinions are not welcome. In effect, you are showing what you want in a way that is respectful of both parties. I encourage you to experiment with boundaries, and see if they keep up the lip service. These relationships can be hard work, and it's very important to keep our own energy intact. When we try to change people, we dip into our personal energy reserve, agitating the delicate clarity and strength needed to really be effective in that situation. This is why trying to change others never works.