[Steve Pavlina]

4. Marry Yourself First

A woman’s love is the most powerful force in the universe. Battles have been fought for it. Children live and die by it. All of history has been shaped by the love of women, or their inability to give it. And some of the most egregious abuses and sins of our world are visited upon men, women and children in the name of “love.” Yours is a valuable gift that you owe to yourself first, and then to others who deserve your love and attention and share theirs with you.

It is the rare woman who reaches adulthood with her trust intact, never having been threatened, or violated, or hurt because of her sexuality or her willingness to love. But women are powerful and versatile creatures, and it is your choice as a woman whether to be defined or strengthened by those experiences. The strongest swords are made of tempered steel, fired to the melting point repeatedly. Each pass through the flames makes it stronger than it was before. But if you refuse to take it from the fire, it will eventually melt away.

If you suffer from fear or lack of trust because of something that has happened to you in the past, do the work it takes to grieve and then to heal. Feeling the pain will not kill you, and healing does not absolve the person who harmed you. Releasing anger, pain and fear will not make you weak or vulnerable, it only removes that thing from the list of fears that limit you, and frees you to live your life fully. If you are in a situation where you are being broken down, or harmed, make a plan for your safety and leave it now. Take your children with you, if you have them. You are strong beyond your imagining, and you will have help in finding your way.

Don’t wait to live your life until you find a husband or a boyfriend. Make your own money, plan for your own retirement, buy and fix up your own house and car, take vacations to the places you want to go, take up the hobbies you want to play at. There is no hormonal key to a hammer, a house, a boat, or a checkbook, or even to parenting. When you surrender the notion that you “need” a spouse or lover to have a full life, and begin living your own life fully, with yourself as a best friend and life partner…then you will be ready to choose a person who enhances your enjoyment of that life, or not.

Some people find that perfect love long before they know who they are, and they grow together. Many more fail because they chose in a vacuum, one or both of them clueless as to what they truly needed and wanted in a relationship. You will find a person you want to walk your path with on that path, not sitting somewhere else and pining.

5. Speak Your Truth

When you have begun to find your way, share your story. Share your fears and insecurities, along with your victories and lessons learned. When your light begins to shine brightly, it becomes a beacon to everyone around you, summoning friends, teachers and students alike. You will give and receive gifts beyond measure just by being fully and authentically you.

One of the great secrets of the universe is that we are ALL comparing our insides to other people’s outsides. And when we see people who are happy, healthy, secure and enjoying their lives, we tend to assume that they don’t have any of the pain, fear or insecurity that we experience. Openly being who you are empowers others to do the same.

Remember, though, that it is your truth. It will not fit everybody else, and it’s not your job to try to live their lives for them. You have responsibility for one life. Yours. Even your children will find their own way once you’ve offered them what you know. Let your truth be yours, and let others take from it what they will. You have no need to defend, to argue, nor to advocate. Be too busy living well to bother.

6. Trust Your Intuition

Every system and cell in your body is exquisitely attuned to the singular mission of keeping you and anything you are committed to protect alive, safe, and healthy. Your physical senses are wired to your body and brain at levels far below your consciousness. You may or may not accept that you have “higher” senses that operate outside your thinking mind, as well. But “woman’s intuition” is an enduring legend from the beginning of time for a reason. It works. Learn to trust it.

That wrenching feeling in your gut. The vague nausea. The tightness in your neck and shoulders. Your racing heart, shortened breath, that odd sense of urgency in your abdomen somewhere between the need to pee and arousal. A sudden desire to jump or run. The hair standing up on your arms or the back of your neck. Goosebumps. Become aware of the way your body feels when you interact with negative or dangerous people and situations in your life, and learn its signals.

Ponder how often you say “I KNEW I shouldn’t have….” and start saying no instead. Practice until you are perfectly comfortable saying “no” or “I don’t think I will do that” or “that doesn’t feel right for me right now” without guilt, defense or explanation. Then notice how often you are truly glad you didn’t do whatever was being asked of you.

If you need a more intellectual argument for instinct, do yourself a favor, and read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker for a checklist of the subtle warning signals given by people who intend to harm you. He does a masterful job of explaining exactly how your intuition knows what it knows, that will carry over into numerous areas of your life.

7. Nurture Your Spirit

Take time each day to nurture your spirit. It is the fuel that drives the rest of your life. You and everyone that you care about draws from that well, and if you do not invest in filling it, you cannot serve yourself or anybody else. Be kind to yourself and forgive. Treat your body nicely, give it pleasure, movement and healthy nourishment. Take breaks in your day, and in your life. Connect with nature, animals, your inner voice, the god of your choosing, or all of the above. If you do not believe in an external Source, then serve pleasure. In the end your joy will enrich you, and the world through you.

When nothing else in your life is working, when your path is unclear and the voices of reason, fear, anxiety, desire and obligation are a deafening cacophany in your brain, go back to your Source. Find a center in yourself, get grounded, meditate, pray, look at flowers, bathe, scream, go for a run…do whatever takes you back to that primal core of your Self, and start back at the beginning of this list. Know your power & protect it. And work from there.

--Sheryn Bruehl © 2008