[Dannyboy1]

It's not going to be what you expect, but it really worked for me. The biggest tool you can use to make your parents really and truly listen is silence. Bear with me here. Don't guess what I mean just yet. Let me tell you a little story to explain how I figured this out and what exactly "it" is. My father was verbally and phsically abused by his dad. When I was young, he had a horrible temper. I don't need to get into the details, but I was a young and innocent child that was tormented in many ways that I still can relive even now if I really think about it. Later, as an adult, my father would still constantly trigger my pain with abusive comments and I would turn into an angry teenager again. I was always hugely embarrassed at the way I had acted and couldn't figure out how he got me into that state of mind. One day, I found out I had ADD, so I started on medication and was often not myself because I still hadn't figured out the correct dosage. I went down to Florida where my parents migrate to evey winter like geese and stayed with them one weekend. While I was there, I was so over-medicated that when someone talked to me, I went into deep thought, sometimes for a long time, before I responded. Everytime my father attacked me with a snide comment or yelled, I just stared at him and, once I thought about it, I decided not even to respond. Instead, without emotion, I would focus my attention on my computer or reading, or I'd just remove myself from his presence. It was amazing what started to happen. The look on his face everytime was one of inner contemplation. Because I didn't respond, the only thing he had to think about was what HE said. He couldn't attack me in his mind because I did nothing that he could judge. What wound up happening was, he began to realize he was overreacting and the comments and attacks diminished more and more until, by the end of the weekend, he actually said thank you for visiting. Then he had said something to me I had never heard him say in my entire adult life. He said, "You know, we REALLY enjoyed having you here." I was astonished. If you knew my father, you would have been too. Since then, our relationship has gotten better and better.

My experience has been that, to tell someone how they hurt you doesn't work. To use silence when they attack you without emotion gives them nothing to feed off of, so the only thing they can judge is themselves. It's very important not to show any hurt or resentment. Give them nothing to judge. If you don't react, the only thing they can assume is, it must be them not you. Be positive around them until they attack. Then, use silence. The growth in your relationship will be much more satisfying than trying to make them look at all their past mistakes.