Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - confronting parents about their "mistakes"??

metamorph · 05-13-2008, 06:00 PM

Hi.

I suffered from bad self-esteem and only recently became aware that it is one of the root of many other issues in my life. When I looked back into my past, I realised that some of it has got to do with the way I was raised. My parents both suffer from an exaggerated sensitivity to public opinion and various other issues. So they tried to raise me in a way that is most conform with public acceptance (clothing, hair cut, conservative values). Also, my mother is a borderline hypochondric nutritionist. So there is constant commenting on my weight (which is perfectly normal by all medical standards I am aware of, but I am just not thin as a stick). And of course constant moaning about my diet (which again is above average for most people alive). And then the constant “shoulds” if things went pear-shaped in the past (“ you should have done this and that”, “ If you had listened to me…” And so on). All this created some degree of fear and a lack of self-esteem in me when I was younger (health, public opinion), but in the last 5 years I have thankfully recovered from it to a large degree.

I have not lived with my parents for over ten years, but whenever I spend time with them, I hear the same comments and see the same patterns. I just wonder if I should confront them with it or just let them be. They are nearly 70 now and grew-up at a time without self-help and personal development. I am now aware of their comments and thought pattern, and so, this, hopefully, does not affect me any more. But in a way I would like to open their eyes, also to help them with their indwelling fears. I do love them very much and do not carry any resentment for them. They are just as they are and grew up in terrible times (one an orphan, one without father). They are lovely and I know they always wanted to help me and they love me to bits. Just some of it was doing more harm than good, I guess.
I once told them about the subconscious impact their comments can have on a child’s self-esteem and development, but they do not appear to understand the psychologic reasoning behind this. They literally said it was just harmless remarks and opinions.

I don’t know if I should stir this up again. I don't want to hurt them either.

Any suggestions?

05-13-2008, 06:00 PM	#1 (permalink)
metamorph Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: UK Posts: 175	confronting parents about their "mistakes"?? Hi. I suffered from bad self-esteem and only recently became aware that it is one of the root of many other issues in my life. When I looked back into my past, I realised that some of it has got to do with the way I was raised. My parents both suffer from an exaggerated sensitivity to public opinion and various other issues. So they tried to raise me in a way that is most conform with public acceptance (clothing, hair cut, conservative values). Also, my mother is a borderline hypochondric nutritionist. So there is constant commenting on my weight (which is perfectly normal by all medical standards I am aware of, but I am just not thin as a stick). And of course constant moaning about my diet (which again is above average for most people alive). And then the constant “shoulds” if things went pear-shaped in the past (“ you should have done this and that”, “ If you had listened to me…” And so on). All this created some degree of fear and a lack of self-esteem in me when I was younger (health, public opinion), but in the last 5 years I have thankfully recovered from it to a large degree. I have not lived with my parents for over ten years, but whenever I spend time with them, I hear the same comments and see the same patterns. I just wonder if I should confront them with it or just let them be. They are nearly 70 now and grew-up at a time without self-help and personal development. I am now aware of their comments and thought pattern, and so, this, hopefully, does not affect me any more. But in a way I would like to open their eyes, also to help them with their indwelling fears. I do love them very much and do not carry any resentment for them. They are just as they are and grew up in terrible times (one an orphan, one without father). They are lovely and I know they always wanted to help me and they love me to bits. Just some of it was doing more harm than good, I guess. I once told them about the subconscious impact their comments can have on a child’s self-esteem and development, but they do not appear to understand the psychologic reasoning behind this. They literally said it was just harmless remarks and opinions. I don’t know if I should stir this up again. I don't want to hurt them either. Any suggestions?