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Foggy · 05-13-2008, 04:20 PM

I know for a fact that I'm an intelligent person... growing up it was one of the things that kept me going; knowing that I was the smartest person in the world... wow was that a rude awakening for me when I realized that there are actually people out there that make me look quite stupid in comparison. I might not actually be anything special after all. Truth is, it was one of the few things I gave myself credit for.

Social awkwardness is incredibly pervasive in my life, I've learned to stop trying to think creatively because usually the things that I think are clever or funny to say simply aren't. I realized a while back that the reason I'm not accepted or popular wasn't because the people around me were jerks but because I'm boring and weird... and frankly feel quite emasculated by it.

When I was young I had this ideal vision of my life; that I would fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily with my wife who would complete me and love me unconditionally. Unfortunately, I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as unconditional love. In order to be loved you must first be able to offer something, and where I tend to be fairly boring and unoriginal person I try to make up for it by playing subtle mind games with people I'm interested in to keep them challenged by the idea that I might not like them; it's an act, and one that I know I couldn't keep up forever in a relationship so whenever I do get in a relationship I spend more time worrying about when the other person is going to notice me for who I really am and find someone more interesting.

I don't know. I'm rambling because I'm depressed. I'm not very organized either, could you tell? The truth is, I'm generally a pretty happy person; not happy with who I am, but happy because it feels better than any alternative. And then something will happen and I'll get depressed and I'll realize I don't have much reason to be happy; so I'll go online to some message board (because I'd rather break down in front of people who don't know me in real life) and spend an hour writing a post like this, sometimes I won't even post it, but just typing it out makes me feel better somehow but it never changes anything. It's a cycle, just like every other aspect of my life, repetitive and boring and it's not going anywhere positive. Basically what I want out of my life is to be the following:

Funny
Interesting
Good Conversationalist
Organized
Original
Normal
Talented at something

I don't feel like I have any of these qualities. I've given up searching for a magic bullet, and most of the time I don't feel like it's realistic that I could create all these traits for myself. I really wish there was someone out there who could say "Yeah man, I've been exactly where you are right now and now I'm exactly where you want to be and I can help you develop all these skills." But so far I've been led to believe that personal development is overrated, that there's only so far beyond our genetic blue print that we can go.

05-13-2008, 04:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
Foggy Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 104	Reality is ruining my life... I know for a fact that I'm an intelligent person... growing up it was one of the things that kept me going; knowing that I was the smartest person in the world... wow was that a rude awakening for me when I realized that there are actually people out there that make me look quite stupid in comparison. I might not actually be anything special after all. Truth is, it was one of the few things I gave myself credit for. Social awkwardness is incredibly pervasive in my life, I've learned to stop trying to think creatively because usually the things that I think are clever or funny to say simply aren't. I realized a while back that the reason I'm not accepted or popular wasn't because the people around me were jerks but because I'm boring and weird... and frankly feel quite emasculated by it. When I was young I had this ideal vision of my life; that I would fall in love, get married, have children, and live happily with my wife who would complete me and love me unconditionally. Unfortunately, I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as unconditional love. In order to be loved you must first be able to offer something, and where I tend to be fairly boring and unoriginal person I try to make up for it by playing subtle mind games with people I'm interested in to keep them challenged by the idea that I might not like them; it's an act, and one that I know I couldn't keep up forever in a relationship so whenever I do get in a relationship I spend more time worrying about when the other person is going to notice me for who I really am and find someone more interesting. I don't know. I'm rambling because I'm depressed. I'm not very organized either, could you tell? The truth is, I'm generally a pretty happy person; not happy with who I am, but happy because it feels better than any alternative. And then something will happen and I'll get depressed and I'll realize I don't have much reason to be happy; so I'll go online to some message board (because I'd rather break down in front of people who don't know me in real life) and spend an hour writing a post like this, sometimes I won't even post it, but just typing it out makes me feel better somehow but it never changes anything. It's a cycle, just like every other aspect of my life, repetitive and boring and it's not going anywhere positive. Basically what I want out of my life is to be the following: Funny Interesting Good Conversationalist Organized Original Normal Talented at something I don't feel like I have any of these qualities. I've given up searching for a magic bullet, and most of the time I don't feel like it's realistic that I could create all these traits for myself. I really wish there was someone out there who could say "Yeah man, I've been exactly where you are right now and now I'm exactly where you want to be and I can help you develop all these skills." But so far I've been led to believe that personal development is overrated, that there's only so far beyond our genetic blue print that we can go.