 My life is utter hell!!
Hi,
For as long as I can remember I've hated myself. I grew up with an abusive dad whom hit my mother for as long as I know. He also had numerous affairs and still to this day he has not changed his ways. He is 59 currently.
Anyway, my youth was disastrous and I grew up hard. At some time I started thinking of death and dying and eventually whenever any bad situation or experience happened my first thought would be 'I want to die'. This was a way of life for me.
At 25 I fell in to an industry where I succeeded and eventually became a millionare at about 28. Through my own doing I lost it all and was left with nothing.
I eveventually ended up with a hypnotherapist whom helped me deal with my 'I want to die' problem. This was at age 33 and 5 yers ago. She sorted out a lot of my problems, however, there was one that she could never get to and it was left to lurk around in my mind, spirit and soul. I can still remember the only question she ever asked about it, 'What about sex?'. My reply was 'painfull' and she left it at that.
You see, when I was about 12 or thirteen a couple of us found a dirty magazine and went to a friends house to look at it. Afterwards everyone was in good spirits and one of the guys showed us, the same age, his erect penis. It was, or I perceived it as, gigantic! At age 15 I saw another friends penis and astoundingly it was also huge. You know where I am going to with this, yes, it screwed me up completely. This hounds me untill today! Every aspect of my life is controlled by it!
I've done so much research on the subject that it is running over. I have actually established that I am below average in size for my race, etc. Knowing this does not help at all.
Anyway, at about 25 I started watching porn on the internet, why, to compare and re-affirm what I already know about myself and hate about myself! Feeding the daemon, litterally! This lead to an obsession and I spent countless hours on the internet gathering pictures and images to go back to.
One day, being 28 or 29, I met God and gave my life to him. I stopped watching porn and cleansed my whole life. I tried to accept myself because it was Godly and not because I actually did!
Eventually, when I was 36, I met a woman whom I totally fell in love with. Accross a room our eyes met and it was tickets. The Lord, I thought, smiled uppon me. It was the prommised land! Well for 4 weeks, then we made love the first time. Complications!!!!!!!!!!!! The evil found me again! My daemon caught up with me! Fear!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hell, anguish and what ever. I've been found out, I thought and believed!
This woman had been married 3 times before and had two kids by natural birth. Can you even try to imagine the hell this put me through. How could I even remotely satisfy her? All her experience that she could measure me against and I had all the proof of not measuring up, that I have collected through the years. Imagine, every man was an threat, big time!
Never the less, she fell pregnant with number 3 and we got married. Shortly after we were married I found that she has got a vibrator. This wrecked me and I took it. First thing I did was to measure myself against it and lo and behold it was bigger! Now even all objects resembling a penis was a threat to me. When I confronted her about it she replied that she got it from her ex. Imagine! Our sex life is dull and boring although she was open for more with other, presumably better and bigger men.
Total chaos erupted in my life! Further, she is a physically abusive person and I was assaulted by her numerous times. Then one day one of her boys whom stayed with us went through my CD's and found one that I forgot about and gave it to her. She confronted me about it and I explained that I had a problem with porn years ago but I have recovered from it. I did not say to her about the penis issue which led me the dissease.
Anyway our son was born, naturalal birth again, and I was so frightened to have sex with her again. But we eventually did, however, I was haunted by what I lacked and the sums I kept on making. 3 kids by natural birth, 6 men that I knew of, etc.
Can you imagine how this fear and self hate is controlling all of me. It manifests in jealousy, suspission, anger, hate and what ever else!!!!! We are doomed because of me, actually what is lacking on me.
Last year july we broke up and what did she do? She took the cd which her son got to the police and had me arrested for alledge child pornography. My house was searched, my stuff confiscated and assaulted by the police whom are her friends. I spent 7 days in a maximum security prison. Eventually after the investigation was done there was no proof and all charges were dropped.
After 4 months I eventually got the courage to contact her, as I love her with my whole heart, and we got back together again. To my surprise she did not change at all, the abuse continued and I stuck for my child. Never the less my daemon were with us and we could not make it work because no matter how I changed, this one fact I could never change and it will hunt me for the rest of my life! Jealousy, suspission, fear, anger, hate, etc kept on getting into our marraige.
Well, she is gone! She left me!
Now, my 'I want to die' problem is back again. Why do I have to stick around if the one thing that is ruining my whole life can never ever be changed. That is a fact and I know it! I've gotten to the stage where enough is just enough. I know I'll go to hell but the hell on earth is worse!!!! Does anyone know what I am talking about?
Anton  |