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Originally Posted by Jewbear  Well 2 weeks ago my father committed suicide by hanging himself in the barn. I think it was partly my fault. In the days before my father took his life he seamed to be reaching out to me but since I put up a emotional wall to protect myself from his past behavior I did not reach back. Lately it has been killing me because of what my mom read in his diary. My father thought I was gay because i have never really been interested in sports or had a steady girlfriend. The truth is I am but never told him or my mom because in fear of what they may say. I had tried to goto church to deal with my thirst for men but the urge was to strong. I don't even know how to begin to deal with this crisis that I call my life. Any help would be greatly appreciated. |
I'm really sorry! About a month ago a good friend of mine committed suicide. He also hung himself. I know how hard it is not to blame yourself, but this is not your fault. When someone makes this choice it's got to be out of a lot of pain and that's not something you can snap your fingers and take away for him. Even with my friend, people did know he was severely depressed and tried to get him help.
Give yourself time to grieve, work through your feelings of remorse and remind yourself that this is not your fault. It really isn't.
As for your sexuality, I don't know that I have any great advice. But I do know that nothing is wrong with you. You don't have to fight who you are.
I don't know how old you are, but if you are in school or college, see about seeing a counselor. They can help you and be a good listening ear for things you aren't ready to talk to your family about yet. Give yourself some time.
Lots of hugs. I'll be thinking about and praying for you that you can find peace.