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Originally Posted by silicon toad2000  That all sounds so familiar. I am far from an expert in these matters, but it rings so true for me that I wanted to contribute my thoughts.
I don't think much you can do will help. She needs to realise that she is the best thing there is in her world. She needs to realise inside her own head that what you think about her doesn't matter and what others think about her doesn't matter, the only thing that should matter to her is how she feels about herself.
I think aside from reinforcing these things there isn't much ese you can do. You cannot make that journey for her.
You can tell her how important she is to you and how great she is but it wont help until the only person she needs to hear that from is herself. |
Indeed, i try to reinforce the idea that what others think don't matter. Still, she seems to be what i'd like to call "never"-changing. It's interesting because she's so insecure when it comes to "what so-and-so must think about me," yet she's still got some level of an ego (she's pretty bright). Then again, i guess everyone has an ego on some level.
I know cannot take the initiative, she must, which is a real problem. I just wish she would do it and get it overwith. She's still only 19 (i'm only 20), so i'm still hoping that she'll grow out of it. I keep fearing that she never will grow out of it though. I don't want to spend my early twenties dedicated to a girl, hoping that she'll mature when she may or may not. If she doesn't i'll be wasting my best opportunity to find a good gal (being youngish), and could end up stuck doing all this crap for the rest of my life, or worse; alone.
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Originally Posted by JimOfferman Well, you know the drill... you cannot change her, but you can change how you respond to her.
You may need to be a little less sympathetic and easy going with her. Stand your ground! You love her, but you do need space to have your own friends and do your own things - you are not a bad boyfriend for wanting those things. |
I suppose i am over-sympathetic a lot of the time, but she's so sensitive. I mean, this girl will actually cry if she thinks i like a quality about someone more than that same quality about her. It's like she expects her self to be perfect in every way, but she never tries to improve her self at the same time.
Yes, i need my own space and my own friends. In the past, I lived for a whole year in pure solitude except for family interaction. It changed a lot of my views, and it made me less reliant on people per say, but at the same time it gave friend a whole new meaning, and value for me. Now to be deprived of having more than one friend, more or less, is killing me. I'm horribly lonely because of it.
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Originally Posted by JimOfferman In fact, it is better for both of you! You are not helping her with her security issues by giving in to her play - you are only reinforcing her idea that the world is a bad place and you are the only one who gives her anything. Not good. |
That is an excellent perspective, and one that i had not quite fully considered before (at least didn't make some of the connections). Yes, she does believe the world to be a bad place. She was
incredibly sheltered as a child by her mother, who is practically the same person only 2x the age and 5x more cynical! --Not to be too harsh, but her mom drives me crazy! She's totally judgemental, totally insecure, etc. I could not see myself living the rest of my life with a woman like that. Her mother constantly tries to impress me, etc, as if i'm judging her and her family; when in all honesty her defense of herself in that way is what makes me think less of her.
Same goes for my girlfriend. I know she does these things to try and keep me around because she's so attached. I'm not sure she realizes that in the very effort she's making to maintain what we have, she's pushing me away. I have told her this on several occasions in the pass, but it just doesn't get trhough it seems.
