 Dissappointed, disgusted with myself
Today I realized that what happened in the last 2 days pretty much explains my entire university career, which wasn't at all pleasant if you ask me.
I am very digusted at myself, more so than ever before. Before I would get mad at myself constantly, but now I'm not even mad. I'm just almost indifferent because this is how I came to be.
What happened was that there was a huge assignment that was due. I wrote a 20+ page paper for my class, it took me a week to do it. I'm not sure if the paper itself is good or not. I worked hard, but I don't know.....at the same time I felt like I have no idea what I'm doing. However, we also had to present our paper in class. Right, we had to present our paper on the same day that we have to turn it in. I don't know how I was going to get this done. I hate presentations with a passion, I just don't like giving them period. I don't know why people need to know what I did.
I was wondering how I could get this presentation done, but at the same time putting the finishing touches on my paper. So sadly, I spent so much time working on the huge paper that I did not have time to prepare for the presentation. I was the ONLY ONE in the entire class who did not present, and I lost points for that. It could mean the difference between passing and failing. I don't know if I'm going to fail this class but.....I think you guys know what I'm saying.
The thing is, I never do what I'm supposed to do. I never get done what I'm supposed to get done. I don't procrastinate, I don't play video games or watch TV or any of that stuff. Most people could finish a paper in 4-5 hours, but it took me days and nights and weeks. But my mind tends to get off track a lot. It doesn't matter if I'm sitting in front of a computer or in front of a wall by myself. I do have heavy problems concentrating, but with all the things that went wrong. That's expected, it's hard to focus when not one aspect of my Life is going well.
Basically, this really just sums up my college career. A lot of people said that failures should be seen as lessons or small steps to success. Well then why hasn't it happened for me? Failures only bring me down more and more. Believe me I have failed nearly everything, but instead of gaining motivation to do well next time I just can't leave the failure behind, it drags me down further and further. It's like an endless hole, I just go down into the depths until there is nothing left. I don't know how I can get that spark. I don't know, hopefully it's different this time. I have nowhere to go....  |