Good morning lagerk,
I have been out of town and just now had the time to sit down to read my e-mail. I am really glad that I was able to give you something inspiring. Angela and ROBC are really amazing. They really make me think too. A couple of things: Make sure you don't "change" into someone that is not going to be an authentic you. The advice and the ideas written in these posts are to inspire you to be a better man. If you ever really understand just a fraction of all that has been written, you will be much better for it. Your having an understanding how other people feel and what they need will help you in EVERY relationship, ie, friends, family, co-workers, your girlfriend, your wife, your children. Understanding and caring ENOUGH to do whatever it takes to make it better is the key and it is that sacrifice I was talking about. By the way, my "whatever it takes" comment doesn't mean to do things that are detrimental for you. Just putting everything you have into it if you know that you are a part of it, or that you are the one that can help or make it better.
By the way, the "wrong direction" you mentioned would be if you were closed emotionally. Being open, willing to listen to her issues, being willing to discuss yours. Being understanding, not angry when you don't like what you hear. Understanding and inspired to make the change for the right reasons.
It will take you a while to "learn" how to have discussions on the issues. As far as a technique or way of starting issue conversations, that is hard to say. You have to be respectful. Try to be understanding, she might not have meant any harm. Nevertheless, if you are not happy with something or have been hurt, you have the right to discuss it. Never discuss things when you are angry - only when you have calmed down. I try (I said try) to approach these discussions in an understanding, he only meant the best, give him the benefit of the doubt mentality. I "try" to remain calm and understanding so I get the facts. If I was correct in thinking that it was unintentional, then I will explain my feelings on the subject. If I learn that it was intentional for what ever reason, I explain my feelings. That doesn't mean we don't have arguments, but even then you have to be understanding and respectful of eachother. There is a reason why she does anything she does. It it just figuring out what it is, any part you may have had in it to make her respond the way she did, what could be going on with her that makes her the way she is. There is just so much to realize. You can't be responsible for her happiness. You can add to her happiness. Ditto for her, she can't be responsible for your happiness. That is something you earn for yourself. Making sure you live a life with integrity, having a good work ethic, being willing to work hard at anything to accomplish a goal, helping others, these are just a few of the main things that will give you self respect and make you happy at the end of the day. You can add to her happiness by being understanding, being unconditionally accepting of her, being there for her, raising her up when she needs it, (but not always holding her up), treating her with respect, picking up after yourself, helping around the house just because you see something needs to be done, etc... I know these last two seem little, but they show a woman that you really care and are willing to do what you need to do. We are emotional beings, so it is very difficult to put our emotions aside. She might not be easy to discuss anything with, so that will make it almost impossible to keep your cool. I have to say here that she has to be willing to learn all the same things you are trying to learn on how to make relationships work. You can't do all the work. If she isn't putting her effort into learning these different things, and if she isn't inspired to make the same changes to become a better person and mate, then, I am convinced that the relationship between you won't last. Both of you have to be on the same page about what it takes to make a relationship work. You both have to be willing to sacrifice for the other. You both have to have the "I will do whatever it takes" mentality. Don't underestimate the importance of that. Don't ever accept anything less. If you do, you will not have a mate that will give you what you need. You will be miserably unhappy and unfulfilled. You don't want to be the only one in the relationship willing to sacrifice and to work hard at meeting the others needs. In time, you will learn to control your emotions. This stuff is hard! Did you ever start your list? How is it going? This is gettin' way to long, so I will close for now. Have a great day!  |