Many know my story - me and my bf broke up in the end of January. Until about mid-March, we were in a strange limbo area of "more than friends."
In mid-March, I stopped contacting him. Why? Because he didn't contact me on my birthday. He never sent a belated birthday email either. I was so DONE with him. I was filled with hubris. I thought about all the wrong he did me, and I didn't want to focus on him anymore.
Then, about a week ago, something inside me broke. I realized that there are no "wrong" actions. As in, not speaking to him for 6 weeks wasn't good or bad. However, there are "wrong" intentions. And my intention was based upon pride and resentment. I hadn't released him in true compassion and love. So, I felt a deep heaviness inside me.
Finally, a week ago, I emailed him and left him a voicemail. And since then, I've felt lighter and lighter, even though he has yet to respond. Because I've truly forgiven - both myself and him.
Forgiving myself was tough - I looked back at all the mistakes I made in the relationship. I fixated on all the times I gave my power away. I felt disgusted with myself. I berated myself. In fact, because I had been berating myself for months, it had become background music. I almost didn't notice the negative self-talk.
How did I finally forgive myself? I did some intense EFT rounds on the following ideas:
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At the time, I really was doing my very best with what limited life experience/knowledge/fragile emotional state I had at the time. Even if I "thought" I knew better, I didn't truly know it in my heart. I was like a little kid who was told not to cross the street, but still did it anyways because I honestly didn't understand the true consequences.
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Everything in the past happened perfectly and exactly as it should have happened. If _______ hadn't happened, then I wouldn't have had ______ happen.
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Making mistakes is a normal part of being a human. Taking responsibility is me expressing the bigger part of myself. I am not a bad, deformed, shameful thing - how can I be, when I am constantly stretching myself to be bigger than before?
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Yesterday, I sent another email to the ex-bf. It was a "good luck!" email (he plays sports). Instead of replying back to me, he blocked me from looking at his online calendar.
Of course, I was first confused and shocked. And then I started to cry. But I felt ZERO anger or blame towards him. Instead, I felt compassion and understanding - I knew he was hurting and acting out based upon our history. It hurt me that he was hurting. I felt regret for my hubris.
However...a few hours later, I was able to forgive myself again. And...I felt EVEN MORE LIGHTER. Maybe it's because, instead of reacting with my ego, I reacted with my inner Being. Instead of adding yet another grievance, I subtracted any remaining baggage by forgiving him...and thus myself...even more.
Today, I feel a deep compassion and platonic love for my ex-bf. I can almost see golden tendrils flowing from me to him. This is definitely the first time I've ever experienced this.
Anyways, for anyone holding onto negativity in their relationships - take it from me: forgiveness is truly the path to YOUR peace and joy. You don't do it for the other person (my ex-bf has no idea of what's going on in my life!). Forgiving another person is actually forgiving yourself.
And, if anyone deserves your forgiveness...isn't it youself?